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Should Children be encouraged to be competitive in sports and other activities? Or is it better for them to learn the benefits of co-operating with other people? Discuss both these views and give your own answer. v.1

Should Children be encouraged to be competitive in sports and other activities? Or is it better for them to learn the benefits of co-operating with other people? v. 1
Being competitive as well as cooperative is part of our life. Both play an essential role in our development since our childhood and the question that begs is whether it’s better to learn to be competitive or to collaborate with the others? It is unavoidable that competition takes part when we are children in many activities including exams where we need to excel in studies or in play games where we try to win an athletic event. Moreover, competition can open the doors to an open mind and bring out potential talent which means that the challenges could develop our competence. Obviously, all of this while remaining in a healthy mind. However, the negative aspect that rises in the championship is the pressure on kids to do their best and this causes unnecessary stress. While, well done, right competition can help teenagers learning skills they will use throughout their life such as searching a job. The society is like an ocean with sharks where we need to fight to make our place. On the other hand, it is good to encourage working together rather than against others. When we are kids, we learn to play together with friends as a team, especially in sports including football, basketball or volleyball. As a result, it will improve the quality of personal relationships, but also communication skills with other one. This last one will play an important role in the adult life, including a partnership or team building skills. To sum up, learning when it’s appropriate to become competitive and cooperative will be essential in the child’s education. But in an adult world we tend to be more regardless about having a good place in the society.
Being competitive
as well
as cooperative is part of our life. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
an essential role in our development since our childhood and the question that begs is whether it’s better to learn to be competitive or to collaborate with the others?

It is unavoidable that competition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
takes part
when we are children in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
activities including exams where we need to excel in studies or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
games where we try to win an athletic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
Moreover
, competition can open the doors to an open mind and bring out potential talent which means that the challenges could develop our competence.
Obviously
, all of this while remaining in a healthy mind.
However
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect that rises in the championship is the pressure on kids to do their best and this causes unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. While, well done, right competition can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
throughout their life such as searching a job. The society is like an ocean with sharks where we need to fight to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our place.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to encourage working together
rather
than against others. When we are kids, we learn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
together with friends as a team,
especially
in sports including football, basketball or volleyball.
As a result
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of personal relationships,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
with other one. This last one will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the adult life, including a partnership or team building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To sum up, learning when it’s appropriate to become competitive and cooperative will be essential in the child’s education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in an adult world we tend to be more regardless about having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
place in the society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Should Children be encouraged to be competitive in sports and other activities? Or is it better for them to learn the benefits of co-operating with other people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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