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shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think that is? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think that is? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities? mw7n
There are an egregious amount of young people that spend most of their time in shopping malls. There are a lot of advantageous aspects which will be ventured in this essay. But, young people should allow their time to be consumed by salient subjects or activities. First of all, a significant number of adolescents spend their time in shopping malls. Some reasons are that it allows them to express their style or emotion by buying their clothes, enabling them to start acting like adults and taking care of themselves, research shows that 89% of people shop to reduce stress or anxiety. Second of all, I think this is an erroneous way of spending their time, and it can be used for other useful activities. Allowing themselves to spend more time on assets, asserts them to both train and experience for future use. Now those who spend their time on what might be used enable their skills to expand. Such as, instead of spending time shopping we can allocate their time learning a lot of other useful soft skills. So they can learn a variety of methods of cooking, cleaning, ways of speaking. Which needs to be used when the teenager lives alone. To conclude, as there are ubiquitous young people which allocate their time on shopping, but also there are lots of advantages spending time shopping, it should be used to learn more skills to be used when they become adults and live alone.
There are an egregious
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "amounts"?
amount
of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantageous aspects which will
be ventured
in this essay.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
be consumed
by salient subjects or activities.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a significant number of adolescents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
malls.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
reasons are that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to express their style or emotion by buying their clothes, enabling them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
acting like adults and taking care of themselves, research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 89% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shop to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
or anxiety.

Second of all, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is an erroneous way of spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other useful activities. Allowing themselves to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on assets, asserts them to both train and experience for future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on what might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
enable their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to expand. Such as,
instead
of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
we can allocate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
other useful soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they can learn a variety of methods of cooking, cleaning, ways of speaking. Which needs to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
alone.

To conclude
, as there are ubiquitous young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which allocate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
there are lots of advantages spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, it should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to learn more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
when they become adults and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
alone.

IELTS essay shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think that is? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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