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The movement of people from villages to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems associated with this? What measures can be taken to solve these problems?

The movement of people from villages to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems associated with this? What measures can be taken to solve these problems? 2WOJ
Over the past decades, urbanization has been influenced in many countries meanwhile, people are trying to secure their life in developed cities for their survival and growth regardless of the value of their homeland. The consequences of this problem has been affected in both villages and cities. First of all, agriculture is the main source of income for the rural people whereas, without agriculture the entire world could not survive. Therefore, if the people in rural areas are trying to move to cities, there will lack adequate human resource for farming. Secondly, in cities, the population is higher than the rural area, so that, there will be a chance of accidents. The reason is that, workers travel by their own vehicles, it will leads to overcrowd in the road. Due to busy schedules people have to reach their work place as soon as possible in order to that, they drive faster and thus cause accidents. Finally, by the increase in the number of people, pollution will increase such as air pollution from vehicle, factories and so on. The measures should be taken for this problem are; provide fair and good job facilities to the rural people. To be clear, now these days, most of the educated people have interested to do their professional job with highly reputed companies. In order to achieve that, they need to migrate from their homeland for accomplishing their wish. Therefore, villages should be develop and reputed companies should commence their business operation in that place also. Furthermore, Government should help those people to promote their agricultural activities by implementing import and export business within that place. In conclusion, people are focusing on their survival and a better standard of living. So that, they are willing to move to any other developed area. By giving equal opportunity in work as well as in every aspects will help the people to stay in their homeland.
Over the past decades, urbanization has
been influenced
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are trying to secure their life in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
for their survival and growth regardless of the value of their homeland. The consequences of this problem has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
in both villages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, agriculture is the main source of income for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
whereas, without agriculture the entire world could not survive.
Therefore
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
areas are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, there will lack adequate human resource for farming.
Secondly
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, the population is higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
area,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, there will be a chance of accidents. The reason is that, workers travel by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
vehicles, it will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "lead"
leads
to overcrowd in the road. Due to busy schedules
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
reach their work place as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible in order to that, they drive faster and
thus
cause accidents.
Finally
, by the increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, pollution will increase such as air pollution from vehicle, factories and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. The measures should
be taken
for this problem are; provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job facilities to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
these days, most of the educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have interested to do their professional job with
highly
reputed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. In order to achieve that, they need to migrate from their homeland for accomplishing their wish.
Therefore
, villages should be
Consider using the past participle "developed"?
develop
and reputed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should commence their business operation in that place
also
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to promote their agricultural activities by implementing import and export business within that place.
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are focusing on their survival and a better standard of living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, they are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to any other developed area. By giving equal opportunity in work
as well
as in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "aspect"?
aspects
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay in their homeland.
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IELTS essay The movement of people from villages to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems associated with this? What measures can be taken to solve these problems?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
318 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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