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Scientists believe that obesity in people has increased .People believe that education can help to reduce this problem,but others believe that education have no significant role.

Scientists believe that obesity in people has increased. People believe that education can help to reduce this problem, but others believe that education have no significant role. 56MJD
In modern era, obesity increased day by day. However, people believe that education can help to reduce this problem but others believe that education have not play significant role. I will discuss both point of views in the upcoming paragraphs and give my opinion before reached the reasond conclusion. To commence with, nowadays obesity is a big problem for everyone's life because these days people eat fast food and do not take exercise. However, some people believe that education can help to reduce this problem because when in education there are a lot of topics related to health. People learn this topic and do in their life. for example, in past year physical subject are not added in education. But nowadays physical education is added. In this subject there are a lot of exercise and people learn this exercise from them and maintain their obesity. Moreover, education plays crucial role because when people are educated then they take care body and do exercise in daily routine. Moving further, education plays significant role in everyone life but education do not help to solve this problem. Because when people do not do any physical kind of exercise, then they di not reduce their obesity. However, people do exercise in daily life to maintain their obesity as we'll as people do not eat fast food. Moreover in these days people are busy in their works and do not do any kind of activities and exercise. So, they get exercise in their free time. in conclusion, in my opinion, I think both are very important because education also play crucial role to maintain health as well as if people do not do any kind of exercise and depend on education, then they do not reduce their body weight.
In modern era, obesity increased day by day.
However
,
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people
believe that
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education
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
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reduce
this
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problem
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but
others believe that
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education
have not
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play
significant
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role
. I will discuss both point of views in the upcoming paragraphs and give my opinion
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before
reached the
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reasond
conclusion. To commence with, nowadays obesity is a
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big
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problem
for everyone's
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life
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because
these days
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people
eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and do not take
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exercise
.
However
,
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some
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people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
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reduce
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
topics related to health.
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People
learn this topic and do in their
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life
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, in past year physical subject are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
in
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education
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
nowadays physical
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education
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
. In this subject there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
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exercise
and
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people
learn this
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exercise
from them and maintain their obesity.
Moreover
,
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education
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plays
crucial
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role
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because
when
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people
are educated
then they take care body and do
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exercise
in daily routine. Moving
further
,
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education
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plays
significant
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role
in everyone
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life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
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education
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to solve this
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problem
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
when
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people
do not do any physical kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, then they
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di
not
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reduce
their obesity.
However
,
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people
do
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exercise
in daily
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life
to maintain their obesity as we'll as
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people
do not eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
in these days
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people
are busy in their works and do not do any kind of activities and
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exercise
.
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So
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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exercise
in their free time.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
conclusion, in my opinion, I
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think
both are
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very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
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because
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education
also
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play
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
to maintain health
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
if
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people
do not do any kind of
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exercise
and depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, then they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reduce
their body weight.
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IELTS essay Scientists believe that obesity in people has increased. People believe that education can help to reduce this problem, but others believe that education have no significant role.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
294 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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