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Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modren society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree. v.1

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modren society than musicians and artists. v. 1
In the modern era, it is commonly believed that people skilled in the areas of technology and science are of more value compared to musicians and artists. In my opinion, I completely agree that individuals in the areas of science and technology have significantly contributed to the growth of society and, therefore, have huge social and financial impact. A good reason for the importance given to these areas is the social impact they have brought to our lives by number of incredible innovations and discoveries in the last century. For example, we had never imagined that we would start living in a connected world, where it would take just a few hours to reach from one place to another. This has eliminated social barriers among people from various countries and provided them ability to communicate, share, trade and grow together. Another point to consider is the financial impact associated with these fields. In the recent years, a number of technology companies have flourished earning huge profits. For example, valuation of a few technology companies have surpassed economies of some countries and are an inseparable part of our ecosystem. Furthermore, these areas have received huge public and private funding making them financially important. Finally, these two areas are largest provider of employment in this modern world, which is struggling with unemployment as its main challenge. According to a recent survey conducted by the Indian school of business, 60% of educated professionals in developing countries end up with a job in science or technology companies. Moreover, these areas show great prospects of getting continuous employment. In conclusion, I agree that science and technology experts are key for the success of society as they bring wide socio-economic impacts. This world will continue to prosper with contribution from these areas.
In the modern era, it is
commonly
believed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
skilled in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
are of more value compared to musicians and artists. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that individuals in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have
significantly
contributed to the growth of society and,
therefore
, have huge social and financial impact.

A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason for the importance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is the social impact they have brought to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
by number of incredible innovations and discoveries in the last century.
For example
, we had never imagined that we would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living in a connected world, where it would take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a few hours to reach from one place to another. This has eliminated social barriers among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from various countries and provided them ability to communicate, share, trade and grow together.

Another point to consider is the financial impact associated with these fields. In the recent years, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have flourished earning huge profits.
For example
, valuation of a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have surpassed economies of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries and are an inseparable part of our ecosystem.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
have received huge public and private funding making them
financially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Finally
, these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are
A determiner is probably missing here: "the largest".
largest
provider of employment in this modern world, which is struggling with unemployment as its main challenge. According to a recent survey conducted by the Indian school of business, 60% of educated professionals in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with a job in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
great prospects of getting continuous employment.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
experts are key for the success of society as they bring wide
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
impacts. This world will continue to prosper with contribution from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modren society than musicians and artists. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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