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Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree? v.9

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 9
Nowadays, we are living in the era that considered talent as essential aspect. Some people believe that musician and artist are less important than someone related to science and technology. In brief, I completely disagree with the argument that only scientists and engineers are prominent and respect by people worldwide. Firstly, let us discuss why well-educated professionals like scientists and technology expert are considered as notable people. Those of them hold a professional degree which is highly reputed worldwide, especially whom graduated from prominent institution. In order to earn these academic degrees they have conducted some complex researches and rigorous studies, besides on some experiment that have been conducted. Overall, it is clear why others think that scientists are valuable, that is because they have already encountered multiple exams and invest several times to studying and gaining professional knowledge. However, nowadays endowment is not judged on the basis of academic and professional education. In the present era, individuals like musicians and painters also have identical occasion to showcase their talents and performances. There have been an enormous number of channels in television have promoted such talent to a wider society. Nowadays teenager not only focus on academics, but also tend to have an interest in something related to co-curricular activity. Therefore, we can observe that many not-so-educated, but talented individual relish the same status as other educated professionals. To summarize, even some people tend to develop them into highly educated and knowledgeable to gain higher status and place education as a vital factor to be popular and notable, natural talent and qualities are also given equal status. Hence, musician and artist have equal value if I would to compare with scientist and engineer.
Nowadays, we are living in the era that considered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
as essential aspect.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that musician and artist are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than someone related to science and technology.
In brief
, I completely disagree with the argument that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and engineers are prominent and respect by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worldwide.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us discuss why well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and technology expert
are considered
as notable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Those of them hold a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
degree which is
highly
reputed worldwide,
especially
Did you mean "who" instead of 'whom'?
whom
graduated from prominent institution. In order to earn these academic degrees they have conducted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
complex researches and rigorous studies,
besides
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experiment that have
been conducted
.
Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
why others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are valuable,
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have already encountered multiple exams and invest several times to studying and gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
knowledge.

However
, nowadays endowment is not judged on the basis of academic and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
education. In the present era, individuals like musicians and painters
also
have identical occasion to showcase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talents
and performances. There have been an enormous number of channels in television have promoted such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
to a wider society. Nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on academics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
tend to have an interest in something related to co-curricular activity.
Therefore
, we can observe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
not-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-educated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
talented individual relish the same status as other educated professionals.

To summarize
, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to develop them into
highly
educated and knowledgeable to gain higher status and place education as a vital factor to be popular and notable, natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
talent
and qualities are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal status.
Hence
, musician and artist have equal value if I would to compare with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
and engineer.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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