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Science tells us some activities are good for our health, and there some unhealthy activities. But millions of people still do these unhealthy activities. Why is this the case? What can we do to change this situation?

Science tells us some activities are good for our health, and there some unhealthy activities. But millions of people still do these unhealthy activities. Why is this the case? What can we do to change this situation? Ea5R
Nowadays scientific knowledges have been suggested that some activities are actually positive for people’s health. In the meantime, there are also several things that could affect negatively to their health. Unfortunately, a number of people are still spending their life with these unhealthy things due to many factors around them. However, this sort of problem is able to be lessen in many ways. Therefore, I will disclose in details with this essay. Even though, there are several effective activities for health, people are proceeding these unhealthy things, owing to many causes. Taking dieting as an example, at the moment, people are getting used to eating the junk food, despite having numerous beneficial food, namely vegetable, fruits, no trans-fat food. It is purely because the junk food can supply the high energy in a short time or when people are always urgent, the fast food as hamburger and ready-meal, is the best choice for eating. However, if they have had frequently, they can get several irrelevant diseases such as heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, etc. , as a consequence of high amount of fat and sugar. In addition, doing unhealthy activities is influenced by modern technology changing their normal life in many ways. To illustrate, a number of children are less popular to play in the playground because there are smartphones which normally contain the online games. Consequently, if they continue to play all the time, they can get addiction which contributes to bad effect on physical health as eyes symptoms and mental health, like aggression or irritation. Nevertheless, this circumstance can be changed via applying to be appropriate to current society. As I mention about the diet, the ready meal, which used to be composed of unbeneficial ingredients, should, for example, have addition vegetable and reduce the high calorie food, in order to offer people who are usually hurried to go for work, to be capable of having better health condition. As the second example was revealed, the children must be limited to play online game via mobile phone, so as to lessen the risk of obesity or eye disease which is due to excessive light intensity from the screen. Then, the family should encourage them to go outsides for running and playing in the playground, in order to improve their health and social interaction. In conclusion, although there are many influences acting on the health, people should weigh cautiously between advantages and drawbacks in every single activity, prior to decision and they should realize that how positive and negative effects will approach in the future.
Nowadays scientific
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges have
been suggested
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are actually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. In the meantime, there are
also
several things that could affect
negatively
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Unfortunately, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
spending their life with these unhealthy things due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors around them.
However
, this sort of problem is able to be
Consider using a past participle here: "lessened".
lessen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
Therefore
, I will disclose in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
with this essay.

Even though
, there are several effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are proceeding these unhealthy things, owing to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes. Taking dieting as an example, at the moment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to eating the junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, despite having numerous beneficial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
namely
vegetable, fruits, no trans-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. It is
purely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can supply the high energy in a short time or when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are always urgent, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
as hamburger and ready-meal, is the best choice for eating.
However
, if they have had
frequently
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
several irrelevant diseases such as heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
as a consequence of high amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar.
In addition
, doing unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is influenced
by modern technology changing their normal life in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. To illustrate, a number of children are less popular to play in the playground
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are smartphones which
normally
contain the online games.
Consequently
, if they continue to play all the time, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addiction which contributes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as eyes symptoms and mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, like aggression or irritation.

Nevertheless
, this circumstance can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
via applying to be appropriate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
society. As I
Did you mean simply "mention the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
mention about the
diet, the ready meal, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
be composed
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
unbeneficial
ingredients, should,
for example
, have addition vegetable and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the high calorie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, in order to offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
usually
hurried to go for work, to be capable of having better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition. As the second example
was revealed
, the children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be limited
to play online game via mobile phone,
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
lessen the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity or eye disease which is due to excessive light intensity from the screen. Then, the family should encourage them to go outsides for running and playing in the playground, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and social interaction.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
influences acting on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should weigh
cautiously
between advantages and drawbacks in every single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, prior to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decision and
they should realize that how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects will approach in the future.
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IELTS essay Science tells us some activities are good for our health, and there some unhealthy activities. But millions of people still do these unhealthy activities. Why is this the case? What can we do to change this situation?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
425 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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