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Sample TOEFL essay: Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v.1

Sample TOEFL essay: Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1
In this present date, there are more and more people demand school to include punishment in their education. Because it could discipline their behavior about the right and the wrong with many forms of penalty. Even so, it is disagree that heavy punishment will be good for the children’s learning. Analysing the capability of various types of punishment such as the harsh and the harmony will prove this. First of all, the harsh punishment is harmful and inefficient method to educate the children. Since the education had a history of physical discipline, such as, the whipping, the harassment, or the vocal scolding to train these kids about this world’s moral and Ethic. In the same fashion, Thailand had been using this approach until recently, by contrast, there are many evidences about the high crime rate, corruption, and bad behavior in these periods. Thus, this aggressive practice gives neither an efficient result or promote a relationship between teacher and student. The student therefore will rebel against these Ethic disciplines when they grow up. Next, the soft punishment will guide these kids with harmony and understanding. In other words, this penalty focus to apply the order through light action, such as, scribing a number of the moral rules, many hours of social service, or prohibit something for a time period. Despite the questionable result, it has been proven after a number of light retribution that the kids are willing to change their behavior. The western countries love this method so as to guide these minors to behave better in their society in the long term. In the end, their mind will be used to reason and peacefully cooperate with a few resistance due to they were practice to understand the reason behind these soft penalties. In conclusion, the punishment is necessary for these minors' ethics education and behavior, for this reason, if the teaching was include the right punishment for the kids, it will affect their habits later when they become adult. By this I mean, the juvenile does not need any hard regulation as they are willing to cooperate after a certain enlightenment. The soft regulation should be enough, otherwise, they will make their mind and rebel against the Ethics afterward.
In this present date, there are more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
demand school to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
in their education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
it could discipline their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
about the right and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
forms of penalty. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, it is
Consider using a past participle here: "disagreed".
disagree
that heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for the children’s learning.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the capability of various types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
such as the harsh and the harmony will prove this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the harsh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
is harmful and inefficient method to educate the children. Since the education had a history of physical discipline, such as, the whipping, the harassment, or the vocal scolding to train these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
about this world’s moral and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Ethic
. In the same fashion, Thailand had been using this approach until recently, by contrast, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
evidences about the high crime rate, corruption, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in these periods.
Thus
, this aggressive practice gives neither an efficient result or promote a relationship between teacher and student. The student
therefore
will rebel against these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Ethic
disciplines when they grow up.

Next
, the soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
will guide these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
with harmony and understanding.
In other words
, this penalty focus to apply the order through light action, such as,
Possible spelling mistake found.
scribing
a number of the moral
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours of social service, or prohibit something for a time period. Despite the questionable result, it has
been proven
after a number of light retribution that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
. The western countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
this method
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
guide these minors to behave better in their society in the long term. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, their mind will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to reason and
peacefully
cooperate with a few resistance due to they were practice to understand the reason behind these soft penalties.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
is necessary for these minors' ethics education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
,
for this reason
, if the teaching was
Consider using a past participle here: "included".
include
the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, it will affect their habits later when they become adult. By this I mean, the juvenile does not need any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
regulation as they are willing to cooperate after a certain enlightenment. The soft regulation should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
,
otherwise
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their mind and rebel against the Ethics afterward.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Sample TOEFL essay: Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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