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Some says that the government should not spent the money on the art because music and painting for example are not making people's life becoming better. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some says that the government should not spent the money on the art because music and painting for example are not making people's life becoming better. v. 1
Strict restrictions on dangerous sporting events such as skydiving and rock climbing should be imposed is a debatable issue. While certain individuals believe that political party in power should ban thrilling sports activities, this essay disagrees with the aforementioned statement. This essay will first, discuss that people should have the right to try activities out of their comfort zone and further, outline that government should take necessary security measures for such sports events. It is clear that people plan their itineraries that involve thrilling activities as are interested in trying new things which Is not only out of their comfort zone, but also can boast about them in front of their friends and family and build a competent image and respect. Moreover, people are excited to do challenging and energizing things as this gives them the feeling of confidence and self-achievement. When they are able to do daring things on holidays makes them feel proud of themselves. To elucidate, a recent study by the Sporting Company found that more than 80 percent of people are interested and excited in doing dangerous sports events. As a result, Apart from this, the government should impose necessary and essential security measures in order to ensure the safety of people who are undertaking thrilling sporting activities such as skydiving and rock climbing. This is to say, strict rules and regulations must be imposed regarding the weight of people and prior experience of people is critical before doing sporting events. To exemplify, a recent study by The Government more than 60 percent of companies are directed to follow stringent rules and regulations in ensuring the safety of people. As a consequence, people will be able to save their lives at risk while enjoying dangerous sports events. To conclude, although some people believe that dangerous sports mus be banned by the political party in power, In my opinion, i vehemently agree that instead of banning sports, government should impose security measures, moreover, people should have the right to participate in events according to their needs and desires.
Strict restrictions on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as skydiving and rock climbing should
be imposed
is a debatable issue. While certain individuals believe that political party in power should ban thrilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, this essay disagrees with the aforementioned statement. This essay will
first
, discuss that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the right to try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
out of their comfort zone and
further
, outline that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take necessary security measures for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
plan their itineraries that involve thrilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as
are interested
in trying new things which Is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
out of their comfort zone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can boast about them in front of their friends and family and build a competent image and respect.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are excited
to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go challenging".
do challenging
and energizing things as this gives them the feeling of confidence and self-achievement.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
they are able to do daring things on holidays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel proud of themselves. To elucidate, a recent study by the Sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
found that more than 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
and excited in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
As a result
,

Apart from this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should impose necessary and essential security measures in order to ensure the safety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are undertaking thrilling sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as skydiving and rock climbing. This is to say, strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be imposed
regarding the weight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and prior experience of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is critical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
doing sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. To exemplify, a recent study by The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
more than 60 percent of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are directed
to follow stringent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations in ensuring the safety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be able to save their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
while enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
mus
be banned
by the political party in power, In my opinion,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
vehemently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
instead
of banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should impose security measures,
moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the right to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
according to their needs and desires.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some says that the government should not spent the money on the art because music and painting for example are not making people's life becoming better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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