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Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions?

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions? p363
It has been claimed that the most successful way for sale companies to employ hard-working people is to find those who are addicted to money. Personally I do not see eye to eye on this point of view as I believe other advantageous types of motivation exist. First of all, it is well known that employees who are motivated not only by paycheck but by the nature of the work are more satisfied in comparison with those looking for financial benefits. For example, if sales worker is fond of his job, he will not get bored easily; conversely, he will stay productive and earn more money for the company. Moreover, as sales work is demanding and challenging, it is necessary for employees to keep to work and life balance. This, in turn, will help them to deal with cut-and-thrust of business. Also I would like to mention social benefits, such as health insurance of paid sick leave that make the company reliable. In my view, while recruiting staff to sales department, it is important to pay attention to their skills and future career plans. As for skills, curriculum vitae of the candidates should include both hard and soft skills such as dealing with professional software, verbal communication skills and teamwork skills. Turning to a career plan, it should correspond to opportunities the company is able to provide and to its business plans. For instance, if a sales company performs motivation plan based on financial benefits, whereas the candidate is interested in money only, they can easily make a deal. To conclude, all existing data above shows that money is not the only way to attract attention of captivated workers. There are different types of motivation and it depends on particular candidate and company which one to apply.
It has
been claimed
that the most successful way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to employ
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
to find those who
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Personally
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
eye to eye on this point of view as I believe other advantageous types of motivation exist.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is well known that employees who
are motivated
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by paycheck
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by the nature of the work are more satisfied
in comparison
with those looking for financial benefits.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
worker is fond of his job, he will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored
easily
;
conversely
, he will stay productive and earn more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
Moreover
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
work is demanding and challenging, it is necessary for employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
to work and life balance. This, in turn, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to deal with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-and-thrust of business.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
I would like to mention social benefits, such as health insurance of paid sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
reliable.

In my view, while recruiting staff to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
department, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to pay attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and future career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
. As for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, curriculum vitae of the candidates should include both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as dealing with professional software, verbal communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and teamwork
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Turning to a career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
, it should correspond to opportunities the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is able to provide and to its business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plans
.
For instance
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
performs motivation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
based on financial benefits, whereas the candidate
is interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, they can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a deal.

To conclude
, all existing data above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to attract attention of captivated workers. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of motivation and it depends on particular candidate and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
which one to apply.

IELTS essay Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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