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S1 Your friend has suddenly had a good run of fortune and come into a large amount of money, he would like to ask you for some suggestions on how to use this money, what do you recommend? v.1

S1 Your friend has suddenly had a good run of fortune and come into a large amount of money, he would like to ask you for some suggestions on how to use this money, what do you recommend? v. 1
Being able to be competitive or cooperative is a controversial issue facing increasingly by children nowadays. Some opine that cooperativeness is an essential element to become worthy youngsters of society. I am with those who hold the opinion that children should be encouraged to be competitive. On the one hand, it could be thought that if children are taught cooperative skills which enables them to be a good citizen of society. However, such cooperative skills involve better communication, leadership and teamwork, and many factors demand such skills to complete their task. For illustration, a school teacher makes three teams play volleyball, at that time every child must cooperate their team members as to achieve their goal of winning. This led to better communication between team players. Moreover, such experience of cooperation will assist them in the future as they do not tend to face any problem working in the same group of company, whose motive is to gain targets. In contrast, if children dearth these skills of cooperation, they will not be on good terms with their colleagues. However, I believe that there are many reasons to suggest why the feeling of competition should be given more priority. Firstly, competition sense usually allows youngsters to be one step ahead, due to this feeling they can concentrate better on their studies for obtaining high scores in the exams. As a result, they are inclined to get a job in their desired field. Furthermore, such competition skills, hone the talent of children, which introduces them their intellectual skills. For example, if the child is the best at the calculation in math, such talent helps those choosing the best avenues in the field of astronauts or accountant. So in my opinion, competition sense should be fostered in the child. In conclusion, although it is undeniable that cooperative skills once taught to children allow them to communicate better and maintain team spirit between members in the future, sense of competition hone children talent very well in right avenue to opt suitable career in their desired field. Therefore, on balance, I believe that feeling of competition should be encouraged.
Being able to be competitive or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperative
is a controversial issue facing
increasingly
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
opine that cooperativeness is an essential element to become worthy youngsters of society. I am with those who hold the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to be competitive.

On the one hand, it could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which enables them to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen of society.
However
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
involve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
communication, leadership and teamwork, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors demand such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to complete their task. For illustration, a school teacher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
play volleyball, at that time every child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
cooperate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members as to achieve their goal of winning. This led to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
communication between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
players.
Moreover
, such experience of cooperation will assist them in the future as they do not tend to face any problem working in the same group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, whose motive is to gain targets.
In contrast
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
dearth these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of cooperation, they will not be on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
terms with their colleagues.

However
, I believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons to suggest why the feeling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more priority.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
sense
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
youngsters to be one step ahead, due to this feeling they can concentrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
on their studies for obtaining high scores in the exams.
As a result
, they
are inclined
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job in their desired field.
Furthermore
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, hone the talent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which introduces them their intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
For example
, if the child is the best at the calculation in math, such talent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
those choosing the best avenues in the field of astronauts or accountant.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
sense should
be fostered
in the child.

In conclusion
, although it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
once taught to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to communicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
and maintain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
spirit between members in the future, sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
hone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
talent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well in right avenue to opt suitable career in their desired field.
Therefore
, on balance, I believe that feeling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
should
be encouraged
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay S1 Your friend has suddenly had a good run of fortune and come into a large amount of money, he would like to ask you for some suggestions on how to use this money, what do you recommend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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