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Rock climbing and sky-diving should be banned

Rock climbing and sky-diving should be banned 2ryxj
Some people think sports such as rock climbing and sky-diving should be forbidden because they are extremely dangerous. In my opinion I disagree with this view, although these kinds of sports are dangerous, they should not be banned as many people enjoy and responsibility is undertaken. The reasons that many have demanded for extreme sports to be prohibited is because of the potential injury and death. In this sport many participants jump off a building or a cliff with a parachute. There could be malfunctions with the parachute before it lands. Many suffer severe injuries such as paralysis and brain damage. Despite the above mentioned concerns, I believe that many people have fun compared to the outweighs of potential injury when they are vigilant. Base jumping is the most unsafe extreme sport but other sports such as rock climbing, sea diving are quite safe. When it comes to rock-climbing it can be a safe and fun sport when people take proper precautions. For example with proper training from someone who knows how to safely rig up the harness and tie the knots. In conclusion, extreme sports are fun and they do not have to be particularly dangerous. When people take proper precaution and are responsible this sport can have a lower risk.
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Some
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
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sports
such as rock climbing and sky-diving should
be forbidden
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because
they are
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
. In my opinion I disagree with this view, although these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
, they should not
be banned
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy and responsibility is undertaken.

The reasons that
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many
have demanded for extreme
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sports
to
be prohibited
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the potential injury and death. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
participants jump off a building or a cliff with a parachute. There could be malfunctions with the parachute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it lands.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
suffer severe injuries such as paralysis and brain damage.

Despite the above mentioned concerns, I believe that
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many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have fun compared to the outweighs of potential injury when they are vigilant. Base jumping is the most unsafe extreme
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sport
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but
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as rock climbing, sea diving are quite safe. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to rock-climbing it can be a safe and fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take proper precautions.
For example
with proper training from someone who knows how to
safely
rig up the harness and tie the knots.

In conclusion
, extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fun and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
particularly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take proper precaution and are responsible this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can have a lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
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IELTS essay Rock climbing and sky-diving should be banned

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
212 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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