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Rich countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employee who are from poor countries. Do you agree or Disagree? v.1

Rich countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employee who are from poor countries. v. 1
These days, there is an increase in international job opportunities. It is argued by some people that professionals from undeveloped countries should be permited to work in wealthy countries. I disagree with this notion because it would lead to wastage of funds poor countries used to train these professionals and it would worsen development challenges in some parts of the world. Firstly, when wealthy countries employ knowledgeable and skilled workers from poor countries, there will be loss of government funds that was used to train these workers. This is because some underdeveloped countries subsidize university education for their citizens with the hope to get back some of these funds from salaries and taxation when the students become professionals or through the provision of essential services by these trained workers. For example, some state governments in Nigeria provide bursaries and scholarships for indigent medical students. When these ones become medical doctors, they are expected to impact positively towards health care in their states and contribute to the training of students. Therefore when such skilled workers emigrate to rich countries, the resources used to train them would be wasted. Secondly, when professionals from poor countries are allowed to work in wealthy nations, their countries' development would be impeded. This would result from shortage of skilled employee needed to manage various sectors of their home countries. For instance, experts have identified brain drain as the major factor for poor developmental strives in the Nigerian society. Therefore, if professionals from poor countries are not granted work permits in economically advantaged nations, they would contribute to development in their countries. In conclusion, when knowledgeable and skilled people from poor areas of the world are offered employment in developed countries, poor countries will continue to lag behind in development and money used for the training of these workers would be lost. Efforts geared towards providing lucrative employment opportunities in undeveloped countries should be promoted.
These days, there is an increase in international job opportunities. It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
from undeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should be
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "permitted", the past tense form of the verb 'permit'?
permited
to work in wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. I disagree with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would lead to wastage of funds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to train these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
and it would worsen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
challenges in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world.

Firstly
, when wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
employ knowledgeable and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, there will be loss of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds that was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to train these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
subsidize university education for their citizens with the hope to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these funds from salaries and taxation when the students become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
or through the provision of essential services by these trained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
in Nigeria provide bursaries and scholarships for indigent medical students. When
This phrase is probably grammatically incorrect. Write "these" instead.
these ones
become medical doctors, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to impact
positively
towards health care in their states and contribute to the training of students.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
when such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
emigrate to rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the resources
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to train them would
be wasted
.

Secondly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work in wealthy nations, their countries'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
would
be impeded
. This would result from shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skilled
employee needed to manage various sectors of their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
, experts have identified brain drain as the major factor for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
developmental strives in the Nigerian society.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are not granted work permits in
economically
advantaged nations, they would contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in their countries.

In conclusion
, when knowledgeable and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skilled
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
areas of the world
are offered
employment in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
will continue to lag behind in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
and money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the training of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
would
be lost
. Efforts geared towards providing lucrative employment opportunities in undeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
be promoted
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Rich countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employee who are from poor countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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