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Recently you visited the zoological park and had an uncanny experience, as man died by falling in the Tiger’s enclosure. You were not able to do anything at that point but wanted to show your concern for the safety of the visitors.

Recently you visited the zoological park and had an uncanny experience, as man died by falling in the Tiger’s enclosure. You were not able to do anything at that point but wanted to show your concern for the safety of the visitors. VlWp6
To the director, I am writing to inform you the alarming incident which I witnessed at the zoo where a man died after falling in one of the Tiger’s cage which I believe the safety of the visitors are jeopardize and there must be an action for the management regarding this accident. It was a mid-day when a man who was with his family were admiring the Tigers in the cage when his children tried to grab the fence, the father came to prevent his daughter to get near the enclosure suddenly fell in the short fence then later on attacked by the Tigers. It was a tragic accident because the fence should have prevented the situation and there should be personnel on-site who could have prevented the accident. In the future, these incident should have prevented by the management. They should impose stricter guideline and install additional safety precaution to heist future accidents. Hoping that there will be immediate recommendation from the management regarding this incident not just for my safety but for others as well. Kind regards, Annie
To the director,

I am writing to inform you the alarming incident which I witnessed at the zoo where a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
after falling in one of the Tiger’s cage which I believe the safety of the visitors are
Consider using a past participle here: "jeopardized".
jeopardize
and there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be an action for the management regarding this accident.

It was a mid-day when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who was with his family were admiring the Tigers in the cage when his children tried to grab the fence, the father came to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
his daughter to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
near the enclosure
suddenly
fell in the short fence then later on attacked by the Tigers. It was a tragic accident
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the fence should have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
the situation and there should be personnel on-site who could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
the accident.

In the future, these incident should have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by the management. They should impose stricter guideline and install additional safety precaution to heist future accidents.

Hoping that there will be immediate recommendation from the management regarding this incident not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for my safety
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for others
as well
.

Kind regards,

Annie
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IELTS essay Recently you visited the zoological park and had an uncanny experience, as man died by falling in the Tiger’s enclosure. You were not able to do anything at that point but wanted to show your concern for the safety of the visitors.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
179 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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