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Recent figures suggest that the number of crimes committed by young people in major cities throughout the world is on the increase. Discuss the possible reasons for this increase, and suggest possible solutions.

Recent figures suggest that the number of crimes committed by young people in major cities throughout the world is on the increase. Discuss the possible reasons for this increase, and suggest possible solutions. WER8b
It is undeniable that juvenile crime in major cities has been rising all over the world. There are several issues and measures regarding this topic which will be elaborated further. To embark on, there are many reasons from which few of them are as follows. First of all, the main motivation which causes crime in youth is unemployment. When young employees can not enter into a company, they are put in financial pressure. This leads to engaging in illegal acts such as burglar or plunderer in order to survive. Secondly, another vital reason is that the control of drugs and alcohol by the bureaucracy is unsuccessful. It is easy for teenagers to buy wine or addictive drugs without a permit. For instance, in Vietnam, people of all ages can buy beer or cigarettes in grocery stores without an ID card to confirm their age. While in America, stores only sell alcohol for people who are over 21 years old. Using these substances may suffer uncontrollable actions. As a result, they are likely to perpetrate petty crimes and also serious offences. Focusing on the solutions regarding this issue are as follows. In employment, governments play a vital role in addressing. Manufacturing new companies and giving jobs to the young which may cause economic growth. Furthermore, the unemployed need a small amount of subsidy, particularly in the Covid-19 pandemic. In the latter view, there is only one measure to deal with using drugs which is that severe punishment must be enforced on those who commit addictive substances. Also, raising the awareness of the negative effects of those substances and abiding by the law. In conclusion, unemployment and drug abuse are two main reasons for the juvenile crime rate. The legislature can not demolish the offence completely, but the youngster will follow the good path if there are effective measures.
It is undeniable that juvenile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in major cities has been rising all over the world. There are several issues and measures regarding this topic which will
be elaborated
further
.

To embark on, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons from which few of them are as follows.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main motivation which causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in youth is unemployment. When young employees can not enter into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they
are put
in financial pressure. This leads to engaging in illegal acts such as burglar or plunderer in order to survive.
Secondly
, another vital reason is that the control of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
and alcohol by the bureaucracy is unsuccessful. It is easy for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
wine or addictive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
without a permit.
For instance
, in Vietnam,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all ages can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
beer or cigarettes in grocery stores without an ID card to confirm their age. While in America, stores
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
sell alcohol for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are over 21 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Using these substances may suffer uncontrollable actions.
As a result
, they are likely to perpetrate petty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
and
also
serious
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.

Focusing on the solutions regarding this issue are as follows. In employment,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
play a vital role in addressing. Manufacturing new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and giving jobs to the young which may cause economic growth.
Furthermore
, the unemployed need a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of subsidy,
particularly
in the Covid-19 pandemic. In the latter view, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one measure to deal with using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
which is that severe punishment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be enforced
on those who commit addictive substances.
Also
, raising the awareness of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of those substances and abiding by the law.

In conclusion
, unemployment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
abuse are two main reasons for the juvenile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate. The legislature can not demolish the
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
completely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the youngster will follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
path if there are effective measures.
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IELTS essay Recent figures suggest that the number of crimes committed by young people in major cities throughout the world is on the increase. Discuss the possible reasons for this increase, and suggest possible solutions.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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