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Q2: prefer to go to the same place for a vacation or different places and spend less time at each place v.1

Q2: prefer to go to the same place for a vacation or different places and spend less time at each place v. 1
It is said that electronic equipments like computers and televisions prevent people from doing physical work and this lead to problems for people's health. I partly concur with this idea. In my point of view, due to using these inventions without control, people have a lot of health problems. Nevertheless, there are other factors which cause negative effects on the health of people. For lots of people regardless of ages, electronic inventions such as computers and television have become a popular form of entertainment. They spend almost their free time using them for entertaining themselves. Therefore, this affects negatively people's health. Sitting a lot for entertainment is one of the most common reasons lead to overweight and back problems. In addition, concentrate completely on a screen in a long time can cause short-sighted. However, these equipments is not the only factors which cause health problems. Some people are fond of food, especially fast food. They eat a lot and as a result, they have some problems related to health such as overweight. Moreover, some of them are tired and sick of workout every day so they give up and decide to do something more captivating and easier than like chatting to their friends or doing the shopping. These make their weight hard to be lost. Therefore there can be thousands of factors which contribute to overweight and other health problems. In conclusion, using computers or televisions in a long time is negative for people. However, due to manifold reasons, health problems begin appearing.
It
is said
that electronic equipments like computers and televisions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from doing physical work and this lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. I partly concur with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. In my point of view, due to using these inventions without control,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Nevertheless
, there are other factors which cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of ages, electronic inventions such as computers and television have become a popular form of entertainment. They spend almost their free time using them for entertaining themselves.
Therefore
, this affects
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Sitting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
for entertainment is one of the most common reasons lead to overweight and back
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
In addition
, concentrate completely on a screen in a long time can cause short-sighted.

However
, these equipments is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
factors which cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are fond of food,
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food. They eat a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
and
as a result
, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
such as overweight.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
are tired
and sick of workout every day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they give up and decide to do something more captivating and easier than like chatting to their friends or doing the shopping. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their weight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
be lost
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
there can be thousands of factors which contribute to overweight and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems.

In conclusion
, using computers or televisions in a long time is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
However
, due to manifold reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
appearing.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Q2: prefer to go to the same place for a vacation or different places and spend less time at each place v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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