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Q. Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Q. Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. v. 1
With the advanced education, the number of undergraduate has been increasing. Some insist that a number of university students only result in rising an unemployment rate of graduates and it is not beneficial for society. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that the large proportion of undergraduates has positive effects on society. Admittedly, there are some disadvantages to the increasing number of university student. To begin with, many young people may put pressure on themselves to have a bachelor's degree even though it is not necessary. For example, in Korea, almost people in modern society tend to go to the university after being graduated from high school. Because of this tendency, some people could apply for admission to university without enough thinking what they want to be. Therefore, if those could graduate from university, they are likely to be unsatisfied with their major. In this sense, a lack of confidence with their major could lead to frequent failures in finding decent jobs. As a result, this tendency to demand higher education could not only increase graduate unemployment rate, but also cause individuals to lose time and money. However, I still believe that well-educated people influence society positively. Programmes aimed at preparing global competition for employment help university students to find high quality jobs. This is because university students can improve their ability through these programmes, competing with their peers and obtaining expertise in their field. It is a proved fact that intelligent people can bring about more benefits for economic growth than physical workers. In addition, strengthening individuals' ability in terms of their major can successfully contribute to social outcomes such as health care or technology industries. As a result, developing the level of education will lead to a national growth more and more in many ways. In conclusion, according to the aforementioned reasons, the increasing number of graduates might have a negative effect on both individuals and society, but I believe that this should be seen as a positive development in many ways.
With the advanced education, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of undergraduate has been increasing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
insist that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
result in rising an unemployment rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
and it is not beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that the large proportion of undergraduates has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on society.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may put pressure on themselves to have a bachelor's degree
even though
it is not necessary.
For example
, in Korea, almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
tend to go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
after
being graduated
from high school.
Because of this
tendency,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could apply for admission to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
thinking what they want to be.
Therefore
, if those could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, they are likely to
be unsatisfied
with their major. In this sense, a lack of confidence with their major could lead to frequent failures in finding decent jobs.
As a result
, this tendency to demand higher education could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
unemployment rate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
cause individuals to lose time and money.

However
, I
still
believe that well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
positively
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Programmes' is British English.
Programmes
aimed at preparing global competition for employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to find high quality jobs. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their ability through these
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, competing with their peers and obtaining expertise in their field. It is a proved fact that intelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can bring about more benefits for economic growth than physical workers.
In addition
, strengthening individuals' ability in terms of their major can
successfully
contribute to social outcomes such as health care or technology industries.
As a result
, developing the level of education will lead to a national growth more and more in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.

In conclusion
, according to the aforementioned reasons, the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
might have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on both individuals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that this should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Q. Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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