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Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.4

Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. v. 4
With the advanced education, the number of undergraduates has been increasing. Some insist that a number of university students only lead the unemployment rate of high-educated people to rise and it is not beneficial for society. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that the large proportion of undergraduates has positive effects on society. Admittedly, there are some disadvantages to the increasing number of university students. To begin with, many young people may put pressure on having a bachelor's degree by themselves, even though they are not interested in university. For example, in Korea, almost people in modern society tend to go to the unversity after being graduated from high school. Some people might not try to have enough time to think what they want to be. Therefore, some people could end up dropping out of their schools. As a result, they might lose tuition fees and their time to search for their goals. However, I still believe that well-educated people influence society positively. Programmes aimed at preparing global competition for employment help university students to find high quality job. Also, these well-educated people can improve their ability, competing with people who are from everywhere in university. It is a proved fact that intelligent people can bring about more benefit for economic growth than physical workers. As a result, developing the level of education can lead to a national growth in many ways. In conclusion, according to the aforementioned reasons, the increasing number of undergraduates might have a negative effect on individuals, but I believe that this should be seen as a positive development in many ways.
With the advanced education, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of undergraduates has been increasing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
insist that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead the unemployment rate of high-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to rise and it is not beneficial for society. Although I understand this opinion, I would argue that the large proportion of undergraduates has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on society.

Admittedly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
students. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may put pressure on having a bachelor's degree by themselves,
even though
they are not interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
For example
, in Korea, almost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in modern society tend to go to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unversity
after
being graduated
from high school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might not try to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
what they want to be.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up dropping out of their schools.
As a result
, they might lose tuition fees and their time to search for their goals.

However
, I
still
believe that well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
influence society
positively
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Programmes' is British English.
Programmes
aimed at preparing global competition for employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
students to find high quality job.
Also
, these well-educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their ability, competing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are from everywhere in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. It is a proved fact that intelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can bring about more benefit for economic growth than physical workers.
As a result
, developing the level of education can lead to a national growth in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.

In conclusion
, according to the aforementioned reasons, the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of undergraduates might have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that this should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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