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Proportion of household income five European countries spend on food and drink, housing, clothing and entertainment v.1

Proportion of household income five European countries spend on food and drink, housing, clothing and entertainment v. 1
Human beings have a long history of creating well structured societies, where the majority adhere to the principles of law, but some people still want to find ways to get rich quickly using illegal methods. First of all it concerns young population. In fact, it may be caused by the desire for easy profit or thrill. For people who started their lives with crimes, it would be very difficult to get a proper job or to live in society, so it is a problem that needs to be solved. In my opinion, the roots of the problem are flawed mindsets, irresponsibility and a lack of work for young and inexperienced employees. Generally, a flawed mindset is acquired due to an unfavourable background or upbringing. For a person who lives in a criminal part of the town, it would be very easy to start acting up, as well as selling drugs or doing other illegitimate activities. However, it is not only a community’s impact that spoils young people, but also unemployment in the region where they are living can lead to causing in the worse way, (compared to a region with high employment) a demonstration of the worst criminal stats. However there is a solution! Young people should be busy doing some projects, working, or studying. Schools should try to find their interests and attempt to improve them, acquainting them with culture or sport. Government should produce new workplaces for immature people, for example, internships or apprenticeships in hospitals, universities or schools. The youngsters will find an opportunity to grow and as a result the crime rates will be decreased. In addition, all these actions contribute to the growth of the economy. In conclusion, this rate would be decreased if the government could undertake such simple measures.
Human beings have a long history of creating
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well structured
societies, where the majority adhere to the principles of law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
want to find ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rich
quickly
using illegal methods.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
it concerns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population. In fact, it may
be caused
by the desire for easy profit or thrill.

For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with crimes, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a proper job or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is a problem that needs to
be solved
. In my opinion, the roots of the problem
are flawed
mindsets, irresponsibility and a lack of work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
and inexperienced employees.

Generally
, a flawed mindset
is acquired
due to an
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
background or upbringing. For a person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a criminal part of the town, it would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
acting up,
as well
as selling drugs or doing other illegitimate activities.
However
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a community’s impact that spoils
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
unemployment in the region where they are living can lead to causing in the worse way, (compared to a region with high employment) a demonstration of the worst criminal stats.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
there is a solution!
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be busy doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
projects, working, or studying. Schools should try to find their interests and attempt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
them, acquainting them with culture or sport.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should produce new workplaces for immature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
for example
, internships or apprenticeships in hospitals, universities or schools. The youngsters will find an opportunity to grow and
as a result
the crime rates will
be decreased
.
In addition
, all these actions contribute to the growth of the economy.

In conclusion
, this rate would
be decreased
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could undertake such simple measures.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Proportion of household income five European countries spend on food and drink, housing, clothing and entertainment v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
296 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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