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Professional sports are a very large industry in the world today. The most elite players can get contracts worth many millions of dollars. Some say the is too much money in sports and that it defeats the purpose of the actual game. Do you agree or disagree v.1

Professional sports are a very large industry in the world today. The most elite players can get contracts worth many millions of dollars. Some say the is too much money in sports and that it defeats the purpose of the actual game. v. 1
In the contemporary era, people are living in an environment with full of media. It is believed by some people that the owners of media can affect citizens' attitude and opinion via manipulating the content broadcasted on air and there is little for ordinary citizens to do to correct it.  I personally disagree with that and the essay will discuss about my disagreement. Firstly, although media tycoons have the capacity to manipulate the content broadcasted on their TV stations or magazines, the people are individual creatures and possess personal values. Their personal values and attitudes are nurtured mainly by their cultures, family backgrounds, and education they receive. For example, in China, news and entertainment shows are required to be inspected by the Chinese government in order to control the thought of Chinese citizens. However, the people there remain striking to seek for their freedom and liberty without being affected by the broadcasted content. In addition, there are countless of tycoons in the press worldwide. It is a fact that the views from tycoons are sometimes various, especially regarding to controversial topics. This distinctive view might create debates among readers or audiences. Once the readers or audiences are well-educated, it is difficult to rectify personal opinions in terms of their background and education level. As a result, they might discard the negative message from the tycoons which are against their personal values or wills. Therefore, it is difficult for the press to manipulate citizens, especially the well-educated ones. In conclusion, media tycoons have their capacities to control the broadcasted content. However, it is a tough task for them to manipulate people's thoughts or views because people have their own personal values and attitudes, especially well- educated scholars. Therefore, providing education to citizens since young age will promote strong individual views and will not be affected by media broadcasted contents.
In the contemporary era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in an environment with full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the owners of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can affect citizens' attitude and opinion via manipulating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
on air and there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
for ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
to do to correct it.  I
personally
disagree with that and the essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss my"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about my
disagreement.

Firstly
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
tycoons have the capacity to manipulate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
on their TV stations or magazines, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are individual creatures and possess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
values. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
values and attitudes
are nurtured
mainly
by their cultures, family backgrounds, and education they receive.
For example
, in China, news and entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are required
to
be inspected
by the Chinese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in order to control the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
there remain striking to seek for their freedom and liberty without being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
content.

In addition
, there are
Do not use "of" after "countless". Did you mean "countless tycoons"?
countless of tycoons
 in the press worldwide. It is a fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
from tycoons are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
various,
especially
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
controversial topics. This distinctive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
might create debates among readers or audiences. Once the readers or audiences are well-educated, it is difficult to rectify personal opinions in terms of their background and education level.
As a result
, they might discard the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
 message from the tycoons which are against their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
values or wills.
Therefore
, it is difficult for the press to manipulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
,
especially
the well-educated ones.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
tycoons have their capacities to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
.
However
, it is a tough task for them to manipulate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's thoughts or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
values and attitudes,
especially
well- educated scholars.
Therefore
, providing education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
since young age will promote strong individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
and will not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
broadcasted
contents.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Professional sports are a very large industry in the world today. The most elite players can get contracts worth many millions of dollars. Some say the is too much money in sports and that it defeats the purpose of the actual game. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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