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pleasure during adulthood and childhood

pleasure during adulthood and childhood drWW2
While many people think that youth time is the most satisfying period, some reckon that adulthood time is more blissing. Personally, I bet that teenage time is a golden age, and it's the real time to enjoy the life. From the one view, even though teenagers, in general, suffer from money lack, many people claim that they have no commitments. In light of this, they don't have any anxiety besides minor interests related to their study or friends which don't impede their pleasure. Moreover, this category of people sees that teenagers are full of energy and enthusiastic; therefore, they enjoy any activities that they make. In contrast to old people who suffer from limited free time and modest health, for many, I think youth have healthy bodies and minds which enable them to enjoy simple things though. On the other hand, some people argue that old people are happier because they are wealthier. I believe that serenity can't be achieved even for rich people unless they were without or with limited responsibilities which they can handle it. Consequently, due to the fact that we live in a demanding life, many adults have massive stress which impedes them to laugh delightfully. For example, many old people laugh don't stem from their inside, but it's just a complimentary for the people that they interact with. Moreover, in spite of the fact that old people have multi options comparing to young people, any blissful feeling would be accompanied with extra tasks. If we take marriage as a case, people will have modest pleasure comparing to the coming kids' and family's responsibility which is results from marriage. In conclusion, although many people see that teenage period is the suitable time for pleasure, some still insistent that adulthood period is much more attractive in delight sense. Personally, I go with the first opinion because youth don't have critical responsibilities, and they have tons of free time and hope.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is the most satisfying period,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reckon that adulthood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is more
Possible spelling mistake found.
blissing
.
Personally
, I bet that teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a golden age, and it's the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to enjoy the life.

From the one view,
even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
in general
, suffer from money lack,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that they have no commitments. In light of this, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
have any anxiety
besides
minor interests related to their study or friends which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
impede their pleasure.
Moreover
, this category of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are full of energy and enthusiastic;
therefore
, they enjoy any activities that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.
In contrast
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffer from limited free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and modest health, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
youth have healthy bodies and minds which enable them to enjoy simple things though.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are happier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are wealthier. I believe that serenity can't
be achieved
even for rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
unless they were without or with limited responsibilities which they can handle it.
Consequently
, due to the fact that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a demanding life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults have massive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
which impedes them to laugh
delightfully
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
laugh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
stem from their inside,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a complimentary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that they interact with.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have multi options comparing to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, any blissful feeling would be
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
extra tasks. If we take marriage as a case,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have modest pleasure comparing to the coming kids' and family's responsibility which is results from marriage.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that teenage period is the suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for pleasure,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
still
insistent that adulthood period is much more attractive in delight sense.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
go with
the
first
opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
have critical responsibilities, and they have tons of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and hope.

IELTS essay pleasure during adulthood and childhood

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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