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Please suggest new initiatives to promote a more diverse workplace to strengthen women's inclusion.

Please suggest new initiatives to promote a more diverse workplace to strengthen women's inclusion. Llly1
From a long time ago, people looked down on women and thought that they can’t do anything but do the housework. Therefore, it formed an opinion that they should only stay at home to take care of their family and don’t need to go out to make money. With today’s modern way of thinking, people have gradually abandoned that outdated thought and treat women equally. However, there is a problem of women not being able to integrate into the place where they work. To begin with, there is a couple of clear reasons why women are not treated like men. The first one is the way of thinking that women couldn’t do the work as well as men. The employers believe that men are more intelligent and stronger than women. They have skills and good knowledge so it can help to bring the profits to the company so why do they have to hire women instead of men. The other reason is females have so many things to worry about. For example, they have to think about the best way to take care of their family, do houseworks after working time and worry about their children so they can’t concentrate on their work. Also, when they get pregnant, they cannot go to work for a long time and when they come back, their ability to work is impaired. There are, however, some ways to solve that problem. One way to do this is to give females opportunities so that they can show their knowledge and skills. Then we should recognize them with their results. Another solution is to change the way we think, don’t look down on women and treat them equally. Therefore, female workers will be confident and we can strengthen women’s inclusion. In conclusion, there are clearly a variety of reasons why people don’t treat women and men in the same way. It is a worrying problem that can affect the economy of a country so we need to follow those mentioned ways to solve that problem and help women integrate into the working environment.
From a long time ago,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
looked down on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that they can’t do anything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do the housework.
Therefore
, it formed an opinion that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
stay at home to take care of their family and don’t need to go out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. With
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
of thinking,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
gradually
abandoned that outdated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
equally
.
However
, there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
not being able to integrate into the place where they work.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there is a couple of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not treated like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. The
first
one is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
of thinking that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
couldn’t do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. The employers believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more intelligent and stronger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. They have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to bring the profits to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
why do they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. The other reason is females have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things to worry about.
For example
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to take care of their family, do
Possible spelling mistake found.
houseworks
after working time and worry about their children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can’t concentrate on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Also
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pregnant, they cannot go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a long time and when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back, their ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is impaired
.

There are,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to solve that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. One
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to do this is to give females opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Then we should recognize them with their results. Another solution is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, don’t look down on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and treat them
equally
.
Therefore
, female workers will be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
confident and
we can strengthen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
inclusion.

In conclusion
, there are
clearly
a variety of reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
. It is a worrying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
that can affect the economy of a country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we need to follow those mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to solve that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
integrate into the working environment.
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IELTS essay Please suggest new initiatives to promote a more diverse workplace to strengthen women's inclusion.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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