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peoples' hobby deficiency

peoples' hobby deficiency K0R76
Due to the fact that many don't have much free time besides the financial deficiency, few people dedicate time for their hobbies. Personally, I think that people stress rate will increase in case they don't practices un-systematic activities and society would suffer from increasing crime and reduced talents. Firstly, in spite of the fact that the causatives for this phenomenon are manifold and many, I reckon that limited free time for people is a pivotal factor. When people work or study for extended hours, they won't have time for their hobbies. For example, although psychologists recommend practicing sports for many people in order to get rid from their severely health issues, many people don't obey they instructions due to the lack of time. Moreover, since many hobbies is demanding financially and require, various tools, many people give up doing this hobby. People would not be able to practice their hobbies unless they have free time and financial abilities. Secondly, although the consequences of this dilemma are harmful for individuals, it might be more critical on societies as whole. Once the person stops doing trotted thing, negative feeling would increase causing anxiety increase. The crime rate, for instance, would not be reduced unless people released this pressure; therefore, governments have to incite people to practice their hobbies regularly. Furthermore, countries have to support this different kind of hobbies otherwise it would not find representatives in the international events. For example, because people who practice a certain kind of sport as a hobby would be more innovative than who are compelled to make it, raising the number of people who have hobby would bring more achievements for the country as whole. In conclusion, fewer people practice their hobbies nowadays because of the shortage of time and resources. I reckon that this predicament would increase stress rate for the people, and consequently peaks crime rate. Finally, countries whose people don't have hobby have deficiency of talent and international field's achievements.
Due to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
have much free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
besides
the financial deficiency, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dedicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in case they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
Did you mean "practice"?
practices
un-systematic activities and society would suffer from increasing crime and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
talents.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
causatives
for this phenomenon are manifold and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, I reckon that limited free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
a pivotal factor. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work or study for extended hours, they won't have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
For example
, although psychologists recommend practicing sports for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
The usual collocation for "rid" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "rid of"?
rid from
their
severely
health issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
obey
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they instructions
due to the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
is demanding
financially
and require, various tools,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give up doing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
would not be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
unless they have free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and financial abilities.

Secondly
, although the consequences of this dilemma are harmful for individuals, it might be more critical on societies as whole. Once the person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
doing trotted thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
feeling would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
causing anxiety
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
. The crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
,
for instance
, would not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
released this pressure;
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
incite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
regularly
.
Furthermore
, countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
otherwise
it would not find representatives in the international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
a certain kind of sport as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
would be more innovative than who
are compelled
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it, raising the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
would bring more achievements for the country as whole.

In conclusion
, fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and resources. I reckon that this predicament would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
consequently
peaks crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
Finally
, countries whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
don't
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
have deficiency of talent and international field's achievements.
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IELTS essay peoples' hobby deficiency

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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