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People who have developed many different kinds of skills are more successful than people who focus on only one skill. v.1

People who have developed many different kinds of skills are more successful than people who focus on only one skill. v. 1
With the advent of urbanization and rise in modern technology, there have been accompanying issues with the environment. Some people believe that, preserving endangered species of plants and animals should be the sole matter of concern. Personally, I strongly advocate the opposite view. In my opinion, issues such as global warming, are very detrimental to the environment and should be taken into consideration. In this essay, I shall examine a number of studies which show that both the viewpoints are, to some degree, justified. On one hand, there is ample, powerful, almost daily evidence that preserving species, which are on the verge of extension, is absolutely necessary. Many plants and animals play a very crucial role in balancing our ecosystem. With heavy deforestation and illegal animal killing, our ecosystem is now out of proportion and our survival is at heavy risk. For example, a recent study published by Oxford University illustrated that, we are now 50% more prone towards many fatal natural disasters such as drought and flood. However, on the other hand, issues such as ozone layer depletion, global warming that are solely caused by human activities are having a detrimental effect on every living organism on this planet, should be ameliorate. This is borne out by a study completed at University of Melbourne which demonstrated that, due to increase in concentration of Carbon dioxide, Methane and other greenhouse gases, a large number of people are now suffering from life threatening chronic diseases such as Cancer and Asthma. In addition, climate change also affect the migration patterns of many animals, as a result, species who are unable to adapt, are now diminishing at a very fast pace. Therefore, seen in this light, it is clearly unfounded to claim that, these issues are correlated with each other. In conclusion, it is probably certainly the case that preserving endangered species should be a top priority for the government. Nonetheless, I am still convinced that, issues such as global warming are also very threatening for the environment
With the advent of urbanization and rise in modern technology, there have been accompanying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
with the environment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that, preserving endangered species of plants and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should be the sole matter of concern.
Personally
, I
strongly
advocate the opposite view. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as global warming, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
detrimental to the environment and should
be taken
into consideration. In this essay, I shall examine a number of studies which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that both the viewpoints are, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree, justified.

On one hand, there is ample, powerful, almost daily evidence that preserving species, which are on the verge of extension, is
absolutely
necessary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
plants and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial role in balancing our ecosystem. With heavy deforestation and illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
killing, our ecosystem is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
out of proportion and our survival is at heavy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.
For example
, a recent study published by Oxford University illustrated that, we are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
50% more prone towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fatal natural disasters such as drought and flood.

However
,
on the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as ozone layer depletion, global warming that are
solely
caused by human activities are having a detrimental effect on every living organism on this planet, should be
Consider using the past participle "ameliorated"?
ameliorate
. This
is borne
out by a study completed at University of Melbourne which demonstrated that, due to increase in concentration of Carbon dioxide, Methane and other greenhouse gases,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
suffering from life threatening chronic diseases such as Cancer and Asthma.
In addition
, climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
also
affect the migration patterns of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
,
as a result
, species who are unable to adapt, are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
diminishing at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in this light, it is
clearly
unfounded to claim that, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
are correlated
with each other.

In conclusion
, it is
probably
certainly
the case that preserving endangered species should be a top priority for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. Nonetheless, I am
still
convinced that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as global warming are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
threatening for the environment
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People who have developed many different kinds of skills are more successful than people who focus on only one skill. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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