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People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. with this opinion? qVVAw
In many parts of the world, exist lots of population who, invoke their own sicknesses. There are many reasons for this, such as unhygienic food, as well as unscheduled way of life and they should pay more for health care. I agree with this opinion that they have to buy the necessary drugs if they want to live. This essay will be proven by analyzing how people don’t pay attention to the condition and needs of the organism. Firstly, it must be recognized, that, in today’s world, only 1 of 20 person looks into the product’s structure. It is evidenced by myself when last year I did a social experiment in some trade centres of our city. Unfortunately, I listened only “above all, the food’s taste is the main” as well as “I don’t care about this problem”. Given example clearly shows if this problem continues without management, so you can forget about a healthy lifestyle. Thus, it must be concluded that first of all, healthcare is a vitally important thing. In addition to this, the inner self will be satisfactory only when people’s external side invests the best items to mind and stomach. For instance, we can’t compare two person’s situations, when one of them eats only fresh food and oppositely other one eats unclean food every day. The supplied example makes it clear that the second person will pay more for his health respectively. The link to them is thus clear. To summarize, after analyzing the above, it can be concluded that each person should take care of their own health. Thereafter, rather than feel apathy about diets and unhealthy lifestyle, many people are suffering from their complexes. It is my hope that one-day long-awaited hero will come and became treat illnesses
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world, exist lots of population who, invoke their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sicknesses. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this, such as unhygienic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
as well
as unscheduled way of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they should pay more for health care. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the necessary drugs if they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. This essay will
be proven
by analyzing how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t pay attention to the condition and needs of the organism.

Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be recognized
, that, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
1 of 20
Possible agreement error. The noun 'person' seems to be countable, so consider using: "people", "persons".
person
looks into the product’s structure. It
is evidenced
by myself when last year I did a social experiment in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
trade
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
of our city. Unfortunately, I listened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
“
above all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food’s
taste is the main”
as well
as “I don’t care about this problem”.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
example
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
if this problem continues without management,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you can forget about a healthy lifestyle.
Thus
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be concluded
that
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, healthcare is a
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing.

In addition
to this, the inner self will be satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s external side invests the best items to mind and stomach.
For instance
, we can’t compare two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
situations, when one of them eats
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
oppositely
other one eats unclean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
every day. The supplied example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will pay more for his health
respectively
. The link to them is
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
.

To summarize
, after analyzing the above, it can
be concluded
that each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
should take care of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health. Thereafter,
rather
than feel apathy about diets and unhealthy lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from their complexes. It is my hope that one-day long-awaited hero will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
and became treat
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
illnesses
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IELTS essay People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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