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people think that marriage should happen only when couples are financially secure. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

people think that marriage should happen only when couples are financially secure. v. 1
Marriage, which is an important event in anybody's life, marks the beginning of a new lifestyle. Whilst a sector of the society is of the view that couples should not marry unless they are financially stable, others have a diverse perspective. I am a staunch believer that financial issues are not a hindrance which stand against marriage. In the following lines, the justification for my claim will be further discussed. To begin with, delaying marriage event has a quintessential social demerit. This is because the majority of youth tend to addict drugs if they are not socially stable, and this has a negative impact on their production. This is exemplified by a research study conducted by Faculty of Arts, Sociology Department, Cairo University; the findings of the study stated that the more the individuals grow single, the less the effort they exert at work. This reflects that marriage is a crucial step in youngster's life, which affects their outcome. Not only does postponed marriage have a social demerit, but it also has health relevant diseases. To illustrate, if young men delay their engagement, they may develop related health issues in the future. As per an article published by Al-Ahram Weekly, around 45% of the Egyptian men develop prostatic cancer earlier than the anticipated disease time. Hence, this accentuates the concept that unmarried men even if they cannot finance the marriage life, ought to marry because marriage has a pivotal role in avoiding certain diseases In conclusion, it can be reiterated that despite the fact that some couples cannot fund the marriage life, it has a positive influence on their productivity and on their health. It is recommended that governments offer loans for newly married couples if they aspire to healthier societies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Marriage
, which is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
in anybody's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, marks the beginning of a new lifestyle. Whilst a sector of the society is of the view that couples should not marry unless they are
financially
stable, others have a diverse perspective. I am a staunch believer that financial issues are not a hindrance which stand against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
. In the following lines, the justification for my claim will be
further
discussed.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, delaying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
has a quintessential social demerit. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the majority of youth tend to addict drugs if they are not
socially
stable, and this has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their production. This
is exemplified
by a research study conducted by Faculty of Arts, Sociology Department, Cairo University; the findings of the study stated that the more the individuals grow single, the less the effort they exert at work.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
reflects that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
is a crucial step in youngster's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which affects their outcome.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does
After the auxiliary verb 'do', use the base form of a verb. Did you mean "postpone"?
postponed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
have a social demerit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
has health relevant diseases. To illustrate, if young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
delay their engagement, they may develop related health issues in the future. As per an article published by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Al-Ahram
Weekly, around 45% of the Egyptian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
develop prostatic cancer earlier than the anticipated disease time.
Hence
, this accentuates the concept that unmarried
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
even if they cannot finance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, ought to marry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
has a pivotal role in avoiding certain diseases

In conclusion
, it can
be reiterated
that despite the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
couples cannot fund the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on their productivity and on their health. It
is recommended
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
offer loans for
newly
married couples if they aspire to healthier societies.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay people think that marriage should happen only when couples are financially secure. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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