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People surrounded by all kinds of advetising. The affects what people think is important and has negative. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People surrounded by all kinds of advetising. The affects what people think is important and has negative. x8D11
Commercial ads can be seen everywhere whether it is public place, like bus or railway station and shopping centre or while watching television. Therefore, it has had great impact on people's lives. , and it is believed that despite having it’s some advantages, overall it has detriment ramifications. I completely agree as it not only leads to manipulation, but also increases expensive. In order to scale up their sale companies apply plenty of tactics through advertisements. The intention of the advertising publisher is to present their product as if it is by far the most useful merchandise, in order to draw the attention of customers, but in fact, it is not as aesthetic pleasing as they show. Unfortunately, the majority of people fall prey to this practice and get ready to purchase. An article released in 2018 in London revealed that 55 percent of individuals bought products after watching ads and half of them could get as much satisfaction from that those stuffs as they were supposed to be. Apparently, it thoroughly result into brainwashing people’s mind. Furthermore, abundance of commercial ads compels people to purchase unnecessary products, thereby increasing extra expenditures. When a child, for example, watches video game console advertisement on television while watching a program, he will force to their parents to buy it even if their offspring have one more video game; due to which, parents have to go through from financial difficulties. Same article further showed that number of unnecessary things have inclined by twofold ever since the trend of the ads disseminate throughout the world which has led to proliferate their expansive. In conclusion, advertisement for commercial products clearly has negative consequences, resulting in manipulating people by adding wrong information as well as persuade them to buy more and more merchandise.
Commercial ads can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
everywhere whether it is public place, like bus or railway station and shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
or while watching television.
Therefore
, it has had great impact on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
and it
is believed
that despite having it’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages,
overall
it has detriment ramifications. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
as it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to manipulation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
increases expensive.

In order to scale up their sale
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
apply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of tactics through advertisements. The intention of the advertising publisher is to present their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
as if it is by far the most useful merchandise, in order to draw the attention of customers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in fact, it is not as aesthetic pleasing as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
. Unfortunately, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fall prey to this practice and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. An article released in 2018 in London revealed that 55 percent of individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
after watching ads and half of them could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
as much satisfaction from that those stuffs as they
were supposed
to be.
Apparently
, it
thoroughly
Did you mean "results"?
result
into brainwashing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mind.

Furthermore
, abundance of commercial ads compels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, thereby increasing extra expenditures. When a child,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
video game console advertisement on television while watching a program, he will force to their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it even if their offspring have one more video game; due to which, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go through from financial difficulties. Same article
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that number of unnecessary things have inclined by twofold ever since the trend of the ads disseminate throughout the world which has led to proliferate their expansive.

In conclusion
, advertisement for commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
clearly
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences, resulting in manipulating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by adding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
information
as well
as persuade them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more and more merchandise.

IELTS essay People surrounded by all kinds of advetising. The affects what people think is important and has negative.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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