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People should know events happening around the world even if they have little influence on their daily lives v.1

People should know events happening around the world even if they have little influence on their daily lives v. 1
Undoubtedly, paying no attention to the events which have little relation with us may save our time to do other more crucial things. However, we will lose a precious opportunity to broaden our horizons. Therefore, I could hardly agree more with the statement that people should know events happening around the world even if they are not relative to our daily lives, the reasons of which would be illustrated as follows. Initially, learning about events happened all over the world have several merits for our study and work. For one thing, it will improve our academic performance. If we have an intense inclination of the news happened in the global world, even though they seem have little influence on our daily lives, such news is likely to trigger our interests to learn more knowledge in a broader domain. The news concerning economy, military and politics would abet us to do more academic research in various area. As a result, our academic performance will be improved. For another, it will lay a solid foundation for our future career. To state it more clearly, the current corporations requires employees have a good command of various expertise such as knowing policies in different countries and financial trends in other cosmopolitan firms. Hence, if we could learn more about the events happening around the world, more precious working expertise and experiences we would obtain, so we will win more competitiveness, which paves the way for our future career. Therefore, only with the help of the news occurring all over the world, can I derive such merits. In addition, knowing about events happened around the world enable us to maintain a life-long relationship and make new acquaintance with our fellows. Watching televisions and reading newspapers make us learn about more arresting topics we could talk with our friends. Hence, the relationship would be maintained. For instance, I always prone to read newspapers about NBA sports events. During lunch time I could tell such things like which basketball player has a better skill or which sports team rank high. Gradually, more classmates tend to join us and talk about with us. Therefore, I make more friends and maintain the relationship. On the contrary, if I just enjoying my lunch without talking with my fellows because I pay no attention about the events happened in the world so we have no topics, it is hard for me to make new acquaintance and maintain relationship with them. Accordingly, but for the help of knowing the events happening around the world, I would not have established close rapports with my friends. In a nutshell, what I prefer depends on my own experiences, life-style and emotional concerns. To be frank, I prone to choose the idea that people should know events happening around the world even if they are not relative to our daily lives.
Undoubtedly
, paying no attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
relation with us may save our time to do other more crucial things.
However
, we will lose a precious opportunity to broaden our horizons.
Therefore
, I could hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
more with the statement that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
even if they are not relative to our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, the reasons of which would
be illustrated
as follows.

Initially
, learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happened
all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
have several merits for our study and work. For one thing, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our academic performance. If we have an intense inclination of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happened
in the global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
even though
they
Probably a preposition is missing after 'seem'.
seem have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
influence on our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is likely to trigger our interests to learn more knowledge in a broader domain. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
concerning economy, military and politics would abet us to do more academic research in various area.
As a result
, our academic performance will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. For another, it will lay a solid foundation for our future career. To state it more
clearly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
corporations requires employees have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
command of various expertise such as knowing policies in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries and financial trends in other cosmopolitan firms.
Hence
, if we could learn more about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, more precious working expertise and experiences we would obtain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we will win more competitiveness, which paves the way for our future career.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
occurring all over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, can I derive such merits.

In addition
, knowing about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happened
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
enable us to maintain a life-long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
acquaintance with our fellows. Watching televisions and reading newspapers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us learn about more arresting topics we could talk with our friends.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
would
be maintained
.
For instance
, I always prone to read newspapers about NBA sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. During
This word is normally spelled as one.
lunch time
I could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
such things like which basketball player has a better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
or which sports team rank high.
Gradually
, more classmates tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
us and talk about with us.
Therefore
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
more friends and maintain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
.
On the contrary
, if I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
enjoying my lunch without talking with my fellows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I pay no attention about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happened
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we have no topics, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
acquaintance and maintain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationship
with them.

Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of knowing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, I would not have established close rapports with my friends.

In a nutshell, what I prefer depends on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experiences, life-style and emotional concerns. To be frank, I prone to choose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
even if they are not relative to our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People should know events happening around the world even if they have little influence on their daily lives v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
475 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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