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It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v.1

It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v. 1
Celebrities either sports or films are adored by the general public. However, while they have to bear both positive and negative attributes of being famous, they cannot move freely in a public place. I strongly believe that the benefits of being a celebrity outweigh the disadvantages. Firstly, I concede that superstars are often hunted by their fans. They cannot spend their life like a normal person; therefore, they cannot go shopping or any picnic area due to their fame. For instant, if tom cruise goes into a market, he will be chased by the crowd to take pictures and autographs. Moreover, It could be argued that most of the time envisions of privacy is the factor, as stars have to watch over their shoulders around the clock. Likewise, not only are magazines, newspapers and social media keeping an eye on them, but they also are experts in spreading negative rumours. As a result, many movie stars are suffering from depression and criticism of the public. On the other hand, although celebrities are contemplated that they feel suffocated, in my opinion, not only are superstars receiving love and appreciation from their admirers, but they also are the richest personalities of the state. Sportsmen are inspired by millions of people, as they bring fame and trophy for their country. If they judge from their actions, it does worth the feeling of being a nation’s hero. Moreover, sports and other stars earn more than employees working in any other field. For example, many known brands hire famous people for the promotion of their products in return they pay a huge amount of cash. Also, they gain more popularity and money by becoming government ambassadors, which I feel is worth judging. In conclusion, although I admit that celebrities bear people’s criticism and cannot feel the pleasure of private life, not only do they earn more than a normal worker, but they also do enjoy followers respect and acknowledgment. Thereforee, I agree that the advantages of being an icon outweigh the disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
either sports or films
are adored
by the
Consider using "public".
general public
.
However
, while they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bear both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attributes of being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
freely
in a public place. I
strongly
believe that the benefits of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
outweigh the disadvantages.

Firstly
, I concede that superstars are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
hunted by their fans. They cannot spend their life like a normal person;
therefore
, they cannot go shopping or any picnic area due to their fame. For instant, if
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
tom cruise
goes into a market, he will
be chased
by the crowd to take pictures and autographs.
Moreover
, It could
be argued
that most of the time envisions of privacy is the factor, as stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
over their shoulders around the clock.
Likewise
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are magazines, newspapers and social media keeping an eye on them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
are experts in spreading
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Possible spelling mistake found.
rumours
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
movie stars are suffering from depression and criticism of the public.

On the other hand
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are contemplated
that they feel suffocated, in my opinion, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
are superstars receiving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and appreciation from their admirers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
are the richest personalities of the state. Sportsmen
are inspired
by millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, as they bring fame and trophy for their country. If they judge from their actions, it does worth the feeling of being a nation’s hero.
Moreover
, sports and other stars earn more than employees working in any other field.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
known brands hire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for the promotion of their products in return they pay a huge amount of cash.
Also
, they gain more popularity and money by becoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ambassadors, which I feel is worth judging.

In conclusion
, although I admit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
bear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s criticism and cannot feel the pleasure of private life, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do they earn more than a normal worker,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
do enjoy followers respect and acknowledgment.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thereforee
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the advantages of being an icon outweigh the disadvantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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