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People often do not interact with their neighbours and this is harming community building What are the possible causes and solutions v.2

People often do not interact with their neighbours and this is harming community building What are the possible causes and solutions v. 2
Educating children is always the priority of parents. Some people think that children should be taught by parents. Meanwhile, others claim that school is the best place to learn to be a good person in society. In this essay, I will examine both views and give the writer’s opinion. On the one hand, parents should guide children who are in the early childhood phase how to deal with society. First, parents are kind of a mirror for children so that they have a tendency to copy with parents’ activities. For example, if parents are likely to do charity to help the poor and less fortunate, their children also tend to mimic their parents’ actions, leading them to be good citizens at a later time. Second, parents look after their children carefully and closely because parents may not difficult to treat many children at the same time like in school. This means that children may obey the words of parents rather than anyone else, which allows parents to guide the morality and responsibilities to the children. On the other hand, there are many reasons why other people think that school is the best place to train children how to be good members of society. One convincing reason in favor of the idea is that at the school age, children tend to spend more time at school than at home. That is to say, children could have a chance to gain a holistic of learning, which allows them to access the world of knowledge. In addition, apart from acquiring knowledge, through interacting with friends, children could get experiences regarding how to deal with troubles in relationships, which considers as the practical experience helping them when children come out of the real world. In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, although educating children by their parents is advantageous to some extent, I believe that the benefits of studying at school outweigh the long term.
Educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is always the priority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Meanwhile, others claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the best place to learn to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
person in society. In this essay, I will examine both views and give the writer’s opinion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should guide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are in the early childhood phase how to deal with society.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
mirror for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they have a tendency to copy with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
activities.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are likely to do charity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the poor and less fortunate, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
tend to mimic their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
actions, leading them to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizens at a later time. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
carefully
and
closely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may not difficult to treat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at the same time
Comparison is written 'the same ... "as"'.
like
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may obey the words of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
rather
than anyone else, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to guide the morality and responsibilities to the children.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the best place to train
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members of society. One convincing reason in favor of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is that at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to spend more time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
than at home.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could have a chance to gain
The phrase 'a holistic of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a holistic of
learning, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to access the world of knowledge.
In addition
, apart from acquiring knowledge, through interacting with friends,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experiences regarding how to deal with troubles in relationships, which considers as the practical experience helping them when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of the real world.

In conclusion
, for the reasons mentioned above, although educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is advantageous to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I believe that the benefits of studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
outweigh the long term.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People often do not interact with their neighbours and this is harming community building What are the possible causes and solutions v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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