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People nowadays change their careers and places of residing frequently instead of confining in one place. Is it positive or negative for development?

People nowadays change their careers and places of residing frequently instead of confining in one place. Is it positive or negative for development? 1VewW
It is quite evident that a growing number of people today change their careers and places more often than past instead of holding in one place. There are those who says that it is beneficial, other feels it has some drawback. In my opinion, I strongly think it is a positive aspects. On the one hand, there are a number of advantagesto people change their careers and places more often instead of staying in one places. Firstly, when people change their careers, they have face new challenges and exposed to a new environment. As a result, it's help them to broaden their skills. Secondly, because of it's people meet with new people and that's aid people to share their ideas with new people which will help them to get valuable feedback. On the other hand, because of changing their careersand places there also have some drawback. One possible issue is homesickness. When people change their careers and places they also have to leave their families, for this they often missing their families and it's lead them to feel depression. Another possible issue is tension. For instance they have a lots of pressure to prove their worth in new career and have to adjust with new environment quickly. To sum up, although there have some drawbacks of changing career and places more often instead of staying in one place, I firmly believe that it is beneficial.
It is quite evident that a growing number of
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people
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today
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change
their
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careers
and
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places
more
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often
than past
instead
of holding in one
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place
. There are those who says that it is beneficial, other feels it has
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some
drawback. In my opinion, I
strongly
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think
it is a
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positive
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aspects
. On the one hand, there are a number of
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advantagesto
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people
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change
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and
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places
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
instead
of staying in one
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places
.
Firstly
, when
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people
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change
their
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careers
, they have
Use past participle here: "faced".
face
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new
challenges and exposed to a
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new
environment.
As a result
, it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to broaden their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Secondly
,
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because
of it's
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people
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meet
with
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new
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people
and that's aid
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people
to share their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
with
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new
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people
which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
valuable feedback.
On the other hand
,
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because
of changing their
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careersand
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places
there
also
have
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some
drawback. One possible issue is homesickness. When
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people
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change
their
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careers
and
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places
they
also
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have to
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leave
their families, for this they
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often
missing their families and it's lead them to feel depression. Another possible issue is tension. For
The comma is probably missing here: "instance, they".
instance they
have
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a lots
of pressure to prove their worth in
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new
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career
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
adjust with
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new
environment
quickly
. To sum up, although there have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of changing
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career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
instead
of staying in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
, I
firmly
believe that it is beneficial.
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IELTS essay People nowadays change their careers and places of residing frequently instead of confining in one place. Is it positive or negative for development?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
235 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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