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People in community now could buy cheaper consumer goods. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

People in community now could buy cheaper consumer goods. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Statistics show that over-weighing has been radically increasing health issues in recent times, consequently, getting the medical system under excessive pressure in order to deal with it. Most commonly proposed reform to alleviate the problem has been inculcating fitness and sports education at a greater extent in school module. I totally reckon that and would be discussing it in more detail in the rest of the essay. Obesity is one of the challenging physical aberration that is a result of mainly poor lifestyle. Not only it gives rise to other body problems, it also affects mental well-being. According to a research done by Columbia University, 80% of over-weight patients were diagnosed with mental problems like depression. The medical care organisation is burdened with a bunch of various new and sometimes almost incurable ailments which would have not been prevalent if people indulge in a good routine. "A well maintained layout of a whole day can reduce almost 40% chance of getting diseases", says a study by professors of the University of Tokyo. In my opinion, to lessen the chances of being over-weight, having a physical exercise as an indispensable part of life is must. It should be a habit to be involved in sports and outdoor activities and as it is said, habits are best developed as a child. Children learn a wide variety of things in school, so it is derivable that physical education must be given more emphasis than it has today in institutions. Not only such action will help in maintaining good physical being, it will also enhance cognitive and social skills of students. In conclusion, I would say that being obese is a health issue that gives birth to a lot of other issues which further put hospitals in strain. To deal with this pressure, it's better to keep the root cause away from oneself. I think solution is to make workouts as a mandatory part of life which is easier to start with at a young age in school. Moreover, prevention is always better than cure.
Statistics
show
that over-weighing has been
radically
increasing health issues in recent times,
consequently
, getting the medical system under excessive pressure in order to deal with it. Most
commonly
proposed reform to alleviate the problem has been inculcating fitness and sports education at a greater extent in school module. I
totally
reckon that and would be discussing it in more detail in the rest of the essay.

Obesity is one of the challenging
physical
aberration
that is
a result of
mainly
poor lifestyle. Not
only
it gives rise to other body problems, it
also
affects mental well-being. According to a research done by Columbia University, 80% of over-weight patients
were diagnosed
with mental problems like depression. The medical care
organisation
is burdened
with a bunch of various new and
sometimes
almost incurable ailments which would have not been prevalent if
people
indulge in a
good
routine.
"
A well maintained layout of a whole day can
reduce
almost 40% chance of getting diseases
"
, says a study by professors of the University of Tokyo.

In my opinion, to lessen the chances of being over-weight, having a
physical
exercise as an indispensable part of life is
must
. It should be a habit to
be involved
in sports and outdoor activities and as it
is said
, habits are best developed as a child. Children learn a wide variety of things in school,
so
it is derivable that
physical
education
must
be
given
more emphasis than it has
today
in institutions. Not
only
such action will
help
in maintaining
good
physical
being, it will
also
enhance cognitive and social
skills
of students.

In conclusion
, I would say that being obese is a health issue that gives birth to
a lot of
other issues which
further
put hospitals in strain. To deal with this pressure, it's better to
keep
the root cause away from oneself. I
think
solution is to
make
workouts as a mandatory part of life which is easier to
start
with at a young age in school.
Moreover
, prevention is always better than cure.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay People in community now could buy cheaper consumer goods. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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