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People have been arguing about whether married women go out to earn money or should stay at home to take responsibility for teaching and taking care of their children

People have been arguing about whether married women go out to earn money or should stay at home to take responsibility for teaching and taking care of their children 1AmGX
People have been arguing about whether married women go out to earn money or should stay at home to take responsibility for teaching and taking care of their children. While there are a number of great supports for this statement, from my point of view, I totally disagree with it for the following reasons. Firstly, in the laws of my country, the age of minors is set from full 16 to under 18 years old. Personally, I think those who are in their minority have their own knowledge about social, therefore they also can identify what is right and what is wrong, what are they admissible to do. If they violate the law they must have taken responsibility for their action, not their parents. Especially, they are no longer young enough to blame their parents or family situation. Another reason is that child-rearing is not only the mission of the wife but also of the husband. In modern life nowadays, spousal should share everything with each other, especially in educating their children. Thus, the women would have more time to persuade their own careers in their life in order to live more independently and to raise their value in society. For example, nowadays children are attending preschool as early as three years old of age, which gives half a day when they are not taking care of children. Why only she ought to take care while the entire family can take of it? In conclusion, I firmly believe that teaching and taking care of children is the responsibility of both parents and the women should have their own career to not depend on their husband
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have been arguing about whether married women go out to earn money or should stay at home to take responsibility for teaching and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While there are a number of great supports for this statement, from my point of view, I
totally
disagree with it for the following reasons.

Firstly
, in the laws of my country, the age of minors
is set
from full 16 to under 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
those who are in their minority have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
knowledge about social,
therefore
they
also
can identify what is right and what is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, what are they admissible to do. If they violate the law they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have taken responsibility for their action, not their parents.
Especially
, they are no longer young
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to blame their parents or family situation.

Another reason is that child-rearing is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the mission of the wife
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
of the husband. In modern life nowadays, spousal should share everything with each other,
especially
in educating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thus
, the women would have more time to persuade their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
careers in their life in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more
independently
and to raise their value in society.
For example
, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are attending preschool as early as three years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
of age, which gives half a day when they are not taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
she ought to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
while the entire family can take of it?

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that teaching and taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the responsibility of both parents and the women should have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career to not depend on their husband
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IELTS essay People have been arguing about whether married women go out to earn money or should stay at home to take responsibility for teaching and taking care of their children

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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