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People believe that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that those who contribute to society like scientists, teacher are the most successful. Discuss both and give your opinion?

People believe that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that those who contribute to society like scientists, teacher are the most successful. 2PeBk
Many people believe that success can only be measured either by individuals’ sum of wealth or their contribution to science and education. This is not entirely true because many great business people have made significant advances in science and education. In this essay, I argue that while the former view, which may signify the result of one’s genius and vision, is an understandable premise for measuring success; the latter, which is traditionally valued, proves to be the superior measurement. Many admirers of wealthy business people have reasons to think that being rich is a proof of success. Business magnates like Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have changed the course of human history through their brainchildren. Their products such as the Window Operating System, Amazon and Paypal have helped make the booming virtual economy we know today despite early ridicules and sabotage from technology skeptics. These moguls also possess spectacular business acumen and their subsequent investments, in real estate or crypto-currency such as Bitcoin, have yielded in even more wealth for them. While I agree that being wealthy can signify success, it is only the byproduct and that lasting academic contribution to society is a far better criterion to define success. Educators and scientists have historically been heralded as heroes due to the belief that intellectuals, through their academic contributions, are shapers of minds and thus their influence can last for generations. However, it should be clarified that a rich person can indeed contribute to science and education. For instance, inventing Google has made Larry Page a billionaire and Google has undoubtedly provided means and platforms to usher modern education into a new era. Elon Musk, for his Tesla vehicles, should be regarded as the father of future transportation rather than as a man who temporarily became the richest human being. In conclusion, pursuing wealth does not automatically disqualify a person from contributing intellectually. However, I assert that lasting academic contributions to society should be the priority when considering a person’s success.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be measured
either by individuals’ sum of wealth or their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
to science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This is not
entirely
true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have made significant advances in science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In this essay, I argue that while the former view, which may signify the result of one’s genius and vision, is an understandable premise for measuring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
; the latter, which is
traditionally
valued, proves to be the superior measurement.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
admirers of wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that being rich is a proof of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
magnates like Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the course of human history through their brainchildren. Their products such as the Window Operating System, Amazon and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Paypal
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the booming virtual economy we know
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
despite early ridicules and sabotage from technology skeptics. These moguls
also
possess spectacular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
acumen and their subsequent investments, in real estate or crypto-currency such as Bitcoin, have yielded in even more wealth for them.

While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that being wealthy can signify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the byproduct and that lasting academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
to society is a far better criterion to define
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. Educators and scientists have
historically
been heralded
as heroes due to the belief that intellectuals, through their academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
, are shapers of minds and
thus
their influence can last for generations.
However
, it should
be clarified
that a rich person can
indeed
contribute to science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For instance
, inventing Google has made Larry Page a billionaire and Google has
undoubtedly
provided means and platforms to usher modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
into a new era. Elon Musk, for his Tesla vehicles, should
be regarded
as the father of future transportation
rather
than as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who
temporarily
became the richest human being.

In conclusion
, pursuing wealth does not
automatically
disqualify a person from contributing
intellectually
.
However
, I assert that lasting academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
to society should be the priority when considering a person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
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IELTS essay People believe that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that those who contribute to society like scientists, teacher are the most successful.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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