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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are obsessed with buying or acquiring material things (such as expensive clothes, cars) because people judge others by what they possess.

People are obsessed with buying or acquiring material things (such as expensive clothes, cars) because people judge others by what they possess. 7pw0n
With the proliferation of the economy, people tend to live luxurious lives. A statement that can be raised here is that since most people evaluate others by looking at the appearance of their lives nowadays, they are sensitive to having precious stuff. Some experts say that this mentality, in the long term, could make our whole society’s value systems disintegrate. From my perspective, I partly agree with this statement. Firstly, some people want to put their lives in a showcase to show their power and authority in this way. Individuals believe that the more cost-effective material goods they buy, the more power they have. Then they intend to spend more time behind their economic work to earn a large amount of money. Hence, people can not have time to behave like a family member, in other words, they can become reckless. For instance, the majority of businessmen have a dearth of time for their love once. Hence, they are not able to play their role as a member of the family, which can lead them to worse situations. Such as divorce and so on. Secondly, which deserves some words here, is that advertising in TV serials and films has an impact on people's lives. Perhaps we unintentionally admire the way of living of rich people and regret what they have. This attitude brings about the respect of the people that have luxurious lives and think that they are better than us. Therefore, individuals pay attention to the new products and try to conduct pretentiously to get others' admiration. In conclusion, though a highly visible minority of our society is indeed deteriorating because of materialism, I strongly take the view that materialism is a part of world evolution and we should be more open-minded. Those who are obsessed with material goods will soon wake up to the fact that true happiness has nothing to do with being rich or famous.
With the proliferation of the economy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. A statement that can
be raised
here is that since most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
evaluate others by looking at the appearance of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
nowadays, they are sensitive to having precious stuff.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts say that this mentality, in the long term, could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our whole society’s value systems disintegrate. From my perspective, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in a showcase to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their power and authority in this way. Individuals believe that the more cost-effective material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
, the more power they have. Then they intend to spend more time behind their economic work to earn a large amount of money.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not have time to behave like a family member,
in other words
, they can become reckless.
For instance
, the majority of businessmen have a dearth of time for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
once.
Hence
, they are not able to play their role as a member of the family, which can lead them to worse situations. Such as divorce and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

Secondly
, which deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words here, is that advertising in TV serials and films has an impact on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. Perhaps we
unintentionally
admire the way of living of rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and regret what they have. This attitude brings about the respect of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that have luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are better than
In formal / written English, it is recommended that you use a subject pronoun.
us
.
Therefore
, individuals pay attention to the new products and try to conduct
pretentiously
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
others' admiration.

In conclusion
, though a
highly
visible minority of our society is
indeed
deteriorating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of materialism, I
strongly
take the view that materialism is a part of world
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
evolution and
we should be more open-minded. Those who
are obsessed
with material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
wake up to the fact that true happiness has nothing to do with being rich or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
.
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IELTS essay People are obsessed with buying or acquiring material things (such as expensive clothes, cars) because people judge others by what they possess.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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