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People aim to achieve balance between their work and lives. But few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to over come it? v.3

Many people create a balance between work and other activities of life, while some people are not able to achieve this goal and face many obstacles, but every problem come with solution which I will discuss in upcoming paragraphs. It is undeniable fact that people are becoming money minded owing to which they work 24/7, moreover to get better life for themselves and their children they work hard. In addition many companies offer their employees to do over time work for extra pay, because of which people do extra work. Due to hectic schedule people do not have time for their families and to enjoy. Hence these are some reasons why people are unable to create a balance between their works and personal life. On the other hand their are some solutions for example people should plan vacations once in a year and enjoy with there families simillarly, parents could give more time to their children by playing with then and discuss how they spend their day. Thus, these are some possible solutions to overcome this problem. In conclusion people could do less work and give more time to their family and children to tackle this problem.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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people
create a balance between
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work
and other activities of life, while
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some
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people
are not able to achieve this goal and face
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many
obstacles,
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but
every problem
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come
with solution which I will discuss in upcoming paragraphs. It is undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming money minded owing to which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
24/7,
moreover
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better life for themselves and their children they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
In addition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
offer their employees to do over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for extra pay,
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because
of which
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people
do extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Due to hectic schedule
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people
do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their families and to enjoy.
Hence
these are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unable to create a balance between their works and personal life.
On the other hand
their are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions
for example
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should plan vacations once in a year and enjoy with there families
simillarly
, parents could give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their children by playing with then and discuss how they spend their day.
Thus
, these are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to overcome this problem.
In conclusion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could do less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their family and children to tackle this problem.
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Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Now a days many people aim to create a balance between their work and other aspects of their life, However only a few achieve it. What are the problems in doing this and what solutions can you suggest

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
197 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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