Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

One of consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

One of consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
It is true that humans now tend to have a longer life due to the amelioration of medical care. Although this trend has some benefits, I would argue that there are more drawbacks. On the one hand, the increased life span of people has several benefits. The chief benefit is that people live longer gives them an opportunity to enjoy their life. The elderly who do not worry about their children or their work choose to live positively. For example, an American couple devotes the rest of life to travelling around the world and exploring exotic places where they cannot go when they were young. Another benefit is that older members can make profound contributions to the development of their own community. When they are free from work, they may have a different outlook on life around them, and they therefore may positively affect their neighborhood. For example, in Vietnam many clubs or charities founded by senior members ran many events or projects successfully such as “The older, the wiser“. On the other hand, I believe that the disadvantages of longevity are even more significant. Firstly, when governments pour a large amount of money into paying pension for retired people, national budgets can be put in danger. This financial burden is also put in taxpayers when the number of those who are working is reducing. For example, in some countries with aging population such as Japan or China, employees can be taxed up to 50 per cent of their income. Secondly, as seniors are healthier than they used to before, they can linger on their working life. This may compound unemployment and crime among young people because experienced people will have a head start over juniors when it comes to job hunting. As a result, the number of the unemployed increases and some youths resort to committing petty crimes to support themselves and their family. In conclusion, it seems to me that the drawbacks of living longer outweigh the benefits.
It is true that humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
tend to have a longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
due to the amelioration of medical care. Although this trend has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
, I would argue that there are more drawbacks.

On the one hand, the increased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
. The chief
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer gives them an opportunity to enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The elderly who do not worry about their children or their work choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
positively
.
For example
, an American couple devotes the rest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to travelling around the world and exploring exotic places where they cannot go when they were young. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
is that older members can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profound contributions to the development of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
community. When they are free from work, they may have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
outlook on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
around them, and they
therefore
may
positively
affect their neighborhood.
For example
, in Vietnam
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
clubs or charities founded by senior members ran
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
or projects
successfully
such as “The older, the wiser“.

On the other hand
, I believe that the disadvantages of longevity are even more significant.
Firstly
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
pour a large amount of money into paying pension for retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, national budgets can
be put
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
. This financial burden is
also
put in taxpayers when the number of those who are working is reducing.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries with aging population such as Japan or China, employees can
be taxed
up to 50 per cent of their income.
Secondly
, as seniors are healthier than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, they can linger on their working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This may compound unemployment and crime among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have a head
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
over juniors when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to job hunting.
As a result
, the number of the unemployed increases and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youths resort to committing petty crimes to support themselves and their family.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that the drawbacks of living longer outweigh the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay One of consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts