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Part 1 is about watching television, part 2 provides discussion about family's friend, and part 3 is about friendship. v.2

Part 1 is about watching television, part 2 provides discussion about family's friend, and part 3 is about friendship. v. 2
It has become increasingly common for young adults to move away from their family home rather than continue to live with their parents. While some claim moving away from parent’s has benefits, this essay will argue that continuing to live with parents might be a better option for young adults. Two reasons for this are financial stability and easier access to parental wisdom and guidance. To begin with, it is common for young adults to want to move away as soon as they have graduated from universities. In fact, this may bring drawbacks, as they will lose the parental safety net that safeguards financial stability. In my country Indonesia, for example, houses prices are so high that without a high-paying job young adults will struggle to pay rent, food and transportation costs. Without a good start in adult life they may end up taking a job with low salary or one that is not their dream job. The second notable point is that young adults are likely to lack self-confidence and self-respect. They tend to be self-willed and may become egoistic in their decision-making. For instance, there is a public figure in Indonesia who married young, but cannot maintain a good relationship with her husband because of always using emotion to solve problems. This case shows that wisdom and guidance which are given by parents play an important role in our lives. In conclusion, for young adults, living with their parents instead of moving away from their family home might a good measure in terms of financial stability and access to parental wisdom and guidance. Based on the tangible evidence above, young adults might reconsider their willingness to move away from their family to avoid the drawbacks in their future lives.
It has become
increasingly
common for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their family home
rather
than continue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
claim moving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
has benefits, this essay will argue that continuing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
might be a better option for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. Two reasons for this are financial stability and easier access to parental wisdom and guidance.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is common for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
to want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as they have graduated from universities. In fact, this may bring drawbacks, as they will lose the parental safety net that safeguards financial stability. In my country Indonesia,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
prices are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
high that without a high-paying job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will struggle to pay rent, food and transportation costs. Without a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
in adult life they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up taking a job with low salary or one
that is
not their dream job.

The second notable point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are likely to lack self-confidence and self-respect. They tend to be self-willed and may become egoistic in their decision-making.
For instance
, there is a public figure in Indonesia who married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot maintain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationship with her husband
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of always using emotion to solve problems. This case
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that wisdom and guidance which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, living with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
instead
of moving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their family home might a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
measure in terms of financial stability and access to parental wisdom and guidance. Based on the tangible evidence above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
might reconsider their willingness to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their family to avoid the drawbacks in their future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Part 1 is about watching television, part 2 provides discussion about family's friend, and part 3 is about friendship. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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