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Parents should encourage their children to take a part in organised activity - other say that it is important to learn how to occupy themselves. v.1

Parents should encourage their children to take a part in organised activity - other say that it is important to learn how to occupy themselves. v. 1
Many people think that children should be motivated by their parents to enrol in organised group activities in their leisure time while others say that children should learn how to keep themselves busy on their own. In my opinion, both the options have their advantages and drawbacks. Children who take part in organised group activities receive many social, mental and psychological benefits. Firstly, engaging a child in an organised sport gives them a healthy habit of physical activity that helps them ward off age and weight-related ailment later in life. For example, playing a team sport like cricket involves a lot of running and many different body movements which help participants to stay healthy and active. Moreover, it gives opportunities to learn trust, determination, sportsmanship, self-discipline and the importance of working with teammates to achieve a common goal. Such skills help children to find success in their life as they grow. On the flip side, it is not always possible to participate in well-structured group events. All children have their own life and they want the best in their life. Therefore, children should be given the freedom to make their own decision in what they want to do in their free time. In this way, children learn how to manage their own life and they will learn how to overcome any problems that they face in the future. The importance downside of giving freedom for free time utilisation to children is that they may use it for unproductive activities. For instance, most children spend their time in front of the television and the computer which will be harmful to their eyes and health. In conclusion, having considered both views, it is obvious that the organised group activities have more benefits. However, children should find a way to keep themselves occupied with their own because it is not always possible for then to participate in such activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be motivated
by their parents to enrol in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves busy on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. In my opinion, both the options have their advantages and drawbacks.

Children who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social, mental and psychological benefits.
Firstly
, engaging a child in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
sport gives them a healthy habit of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them ward off age and weight-related ailment later in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, playing a team sport like cricket involves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
running and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
body movements which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
participants to stay healthy and active.
Moreover
, it gives opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
trust, determination, sportsmanship, self-discipline and the importance of working with teammates to achieve a common goal. Such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to find success in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as they grow.

On the flip side, it is not always possible to participate in well-structured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they want the best in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision in what they want to do in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to overcome any problems that they face in the future.

The importance downside of giving freedom for free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is that they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for unproductive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For instance
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the television and the computer which will be harmful to their eyes and health.

In conclusion
, having considered both views, it is obvious that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have more benefits.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should find a way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves occupied with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not always possible for then to participate in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Parents should encourage their children to take a part in organised activity - other say that it is important to learn how to occupy themselves. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
316 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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