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Parents and teachers believe that children should be supervised in their activities most of the time whereas others believe that kids need more freedom. To what extend do you agree or disagree. v.1

Parents and teachers believe that children should be supervised in their activities most of the time whereas others believe that kids need more freedom. v. 1
One of the most discussed issues nowadays is that children ought to be under supervision by parents and teachers most of the time when they have activities while there are others who argue that children should get more freedom. In my opinion, I believe that children should be under supervision of their parents and teachers as they can face many problems when they are alone. Firstly, it must be admitted that when children are alone they may face danger situations. Nowadays, there are many bad people who can threaten our children. According to recent research, approximately 100 000 children are kidnaped around the world every year, and this happens when children have activities without supervision. In addition, children can be influenced by older children from bad companies, who can learn them to smoke and consume alcohol drinks. As a result, children under bad influence are tend to commit major crimes that will have dire consequences in their future life. Another point to consider, is that nowadays there are many different activities such as video games and violence movies which can effect children’s academic performances. When children play video games without parents control they can become addicted to them. As a result, they will spend all free time on video games and will not have desire to study. Consequently, their academic performance will be weak and they will suffer with their study. Finally, with poor academic results they will not be able to enter to the university and succeed in their future life. Finally, according to law in Uzbekistan all children should be under supervision from their birth to mature ages. This conception is realized by simple instructions, when children are at home parents should be responsible for them and if children are at school, school’s administration should be responsible for them. In all other cases neighborhood community is responsible for children, and this community should check parents and schools. This law helped to our country to decrease the number of crimes committed by children. In conclusion, children should be supervised by older people as this will help to prevent danger situations.
One of the most discussed issues nowadays is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ought to be under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supervision
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers most of the time when they have activities while there are others who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more freedom. In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supervision
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers as they can face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems when they are alone.

Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be admitted
that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are alone they may face
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
situations. Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who can threaten our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. According to recent research, approximately 100 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "kidnapped", the past tense form of the verb 'kidnap'?
kidnaped
around the world every year, and this happens when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have activities without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supervision
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be influenced
by older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, who can learn them to smoke and consume alcohol drinks.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence are
Consider using a past participle here: "tended".
tend
to commit major crimes that will have dire consequences in their future life.

Another point to consider, is that nowadays there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities such as video games and violence movies which can effect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
academic performances.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play video games without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
control they can become addicted to them.
As a result
, they will spend all free time on video games and will not have desire to study.
Consequently
, their academic performance will be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
weak and
they will suffer with their study.
Finally
, with poor academic results they will not be able to enter to the university and succeed in their future life.

Finally
, according to law in Uzbekistan all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supervision
from their birth to mature ages. This conception
is realized
by simple instructions, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are at home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be responsible for them and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are at school, school’s administration should be responsible for them. In all other cases neighborhood community is responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and this community should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and schools. This law
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to our country to decrease the number of crimes committed by children.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be supervised
by older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
situations.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Parents and teachers believe that children should be supervised in their activities most of the time whereas others believe that kids need more freedom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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