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Others say that personal development is a more important focus.What is your opinion

Others say that personal development is a more important focus. What is your opinion NMr7q
In Vietnam, people always focus on the student's average grade after two terms of the school year but no one ask us which subject we are good at and there are a lot of cases that our parents force us to learn their chosen major, it causes the unemployment in our generation. But we can't deny obtaining high scores on exams in order to go to great college and have successful career. For adults, we always have to get high scores because they assume that if you have excellent diploma, you will be successful, it's kind of stereotype and I don't think it proves anything. On the other hand, some people consider studying is unnecessary and learning vocational training is more important but we all know that the job after you learn vocational training is worker and you can't be promote in career if you don't have college degree and haven't mentioned the class division is this daily life. However, my school also provides internships and vocational training like cooking, suture and electrical to prepare students for the job opportunities or just for improve our life skills. Anyway but for me, I strongly believe that personal development is the most important key goal in education, in other words helping students to realize their potential and develop it. Therefore, schools should helps students to discover their strengths and passions, identify the targets in life, and set goals in the future. In my case, I found that I'm good at English so I learn English more and more in order to be able to join the English team of excellent students. In conclusion, although vocational training and academic success are important, but the central focus of schools should be on personal development. Schools should focus on devoloping students' individual talents and interests because only in this way, they can choose the right path for their future to become valuable members of society
In Vietnam,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always focus on the student's average grade after two terms of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no one ask us which subject we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at and there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cases that our parents force us to learn their chosen major, it causes the unemployment in our generation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
we can't deny obtaining high scores on exams in order to go to great college and have successful career. For adults, we always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high scores
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they assume that if you have excellent diploma, you will be successful, it's kind of stereotype and I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it proves anything.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider studying is unnecessary and learning vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we all know that the job after you learn vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
is worker and you can't be
Consider using a past participle here: "promoted".
promote
in career if you don't have college degree and haven't mentioned the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
division is this daily life.
However
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
also
provides internships and vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
like cooking, suture and electrical to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for the job opportunities or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Anyway
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for me, I
strongly
believe that personal development is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
key goal in education,
in other words
helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to realize their potential and develop it.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "help"
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to discover their strengths and passions, identify the targets in life, and set goals in the future. In my case, I found that I'm
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at English
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I learn English more and more in order to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the English team of excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
In conclusion
, although vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
and academic success are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the central focus of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should be on personal development.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should focus on
Possible spelling mistake found.
devoloping
students' individual talents and interests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in this way, they can choose the right path for their future to become valuable members of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
society
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IELTS essay Others say that personal development is a more important focus. What is your opinion

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
319 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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