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Organized tours to remote areas and community are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and the environment?

Organized tours to remote areas and community are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and the environment? 9bGr
In recent years, there is a rapidly growing tendency for tourists to travel to remote areas and community. Although the merits are considerable, there are still some horrible demerits that this issue brings. On the one side, the rising number of tours in local areas is really beneficial for the residents there. First of all, it can create many employment opportunities for the unemployed in that area, for which it will contribute to the business and the economic value. Since the local workforce only accounts for a small amount, this issue can be a good measure to tackle underemployment. Moreover, those areas may become tourist service providers which therefore improve the living standards for the local people living there. Therefore, it not only benefits the locals but it also opens a fortune for many companies which will invest on preserving rich biodiversity here. On the other side, further number of tours can also pose several detrimental effects. For one thing, many facilities will be built which therefore cut down the acreage of trees in those areas. As a consequence, it will be the root cause for lots of kinds of pollution, hence the decrease of people’s health. Furthermore, more animals will be driven to the verge of extinction as they have to satisfy people’s demands for which hardly any animals can survive throughout the years. Indeed, tourists often thoughtlessly throw garbage wherever they go, for which it will lead to areas contamination. Therefore, a polluted habitat will be formed In conclusion, despite the fact that tourism can be the benefactor for the economy in particular and society in general in some remote areas and community, I think that the drawbacks it brings are far more noticeable and significant.
In recent years, there is a
rapidly
growing tendency for tourists to travel to remote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and community. Although the merits are considerable, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
horrible demerits that this issue brings.

On the one side, the rising number of tours in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is
really
beneficial for the residents there.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employment opportunities for the unemployed in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
, for which it will contribute to the business and the economic value. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
workforce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
accounts for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount, this issue can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
measure to tackle underemployment.
Moreover
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
may become tourist service providers which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the living standards for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living there.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefits the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
opens a fortune for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which will invest on preserving rich biodiversity here.

On the other side,
further
number of tours can
also
pose several detrimental effects. For one thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
facilities will
be built
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down the acreage of trees in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. As a consequence, it will be the root cause for lots of kinds of pollution,
hence
the decrease of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s health.
Furthermore
, more animals will
be driven
to the verge of extinction as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
satisfy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s demands for which hardly any animals can survive throughout the years.
Indeed
, tourists
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
thoughtlessly
throw garbage wherever they go, for which it will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
contamination.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, a polluted habitat will
be formed


In conclusion
, despite the fact that tourism can be the benefactor for the economy
in particular
and society
in general
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
remote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and community, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the drawbacks it brings are far more noticeable and significant.

IELTS essay Organized tours to remote areas and community are increasingly popular. Is it a positive or negative development for the local people and the environment?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
288 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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