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Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV or reading about them in the newspapers. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v.3

Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV or reading about them in the newspapers. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 3
In this era television and newspaper have a great influence on common people's life. Ordinary people always try to copy eminent personalities when they are appearing on TV or magazines. I strongly believe it is not all appreciable. In this essay we will scrutinize why the normal people imitate famous persons and also analyse why it is not a good practice. To begin, Famous personalities are always present in different TV shows or newspapers. The Common people, especially, teenagers always try to mirror famous personalities because of two main reasons. Firstly Young people believe that if they emulate the eminent personalities, particularly, film stars they will become more popular in a short time span. For instance, a majority of youngsters in India follow some film stars or sports persons. In addition, another group people argues that, mirroring eminent personality’s behaviour will give success in their life. Because of these irrelevant thoughts most of the young people try to follow the famous personality’s life style. Conversely, excessive copying tendency will result high physical and mental health related problems. A recent survey, conducted in India reveals that, in 2015 30 % of teenage girls undergo different kind of cosmic surgeries. These surgeries adversely affect their physical health. In addition, high, mirroring behaviour sometimes leads to poor school attendance and will result in bad academic performance which further affects their mental health. To recapitulate, it is better to believe yourself for success rather than copying other’s behaviour. TV and newspapers are projecting only positive side of the success and always try to hide the bad side from the public.
In this era television and newspaper have a great influence on common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life. Ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always try to copy eminent personalities when they
The verb 'appearing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are appearing
on TV or magazines. I
strongly
believe it is not all appreciable. In this essay we will scrutinize why the normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
imitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
persons and
also
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
why it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
practice.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Famous
personalities are always present in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
or newspapers. The Common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
always try to mirror
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
personalities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of two main reasons.
Firstly
Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that if they emulate the eminent personalities,
particularly
, film stars they will become more popular in a short time span.
For instance
, a majority of youngsters in India follow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
film stars or sports persons.
In addition
, another group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
argues
that, mirroring eminent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
will give success in their life.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of these irrelevant thoughts most of the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personality’s
life style.

Conversely
, excessive copying tendency will result high physical and mental health related problems. A recent survey, conducted in India reveals that, in 2015 30 % of teenage girls undergo
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of cosmic surgeries. These surgeries
adversely
affect their physical health.
In addition
, high, mirroring
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
leads to poor school attendance and will result in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
academic performance which
further
affects their mental health.

To recapitulate, it is better to believe yourself for success
rather
than copying other’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. TV and newspapers are projecting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side of the success and always try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
side from the public.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Ordinary people try to copy famous personalities by seeing them on TV or reading about them in the newspapers. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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