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Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV, why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v.2

Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV, why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 2
All of us have idols in someone. Normal person tries to mimic notable personalities either by reading magazines or watching TV as they idolises those people. According me, ordinary people start worshipping such celebrities and treat them like god which is a very wrong thing to do. Print media or video entertainment such as the Televisions are the best mode through which one can learn about the stars. This is the most sought methods through which an individual gathers the information about the celebrity they follow and copy. For instance, there are many entertainment programs over which paparazzi catches the celebrities off camera to illustrate their true nature. Hence, people try to follow them through these sorts of way. In the quest to be like their mentors, normal person imitates the famous personalities and in this process, they lose their original self. They are so much mesmerised by these famous people that they want their every attribute like them such as physical look or the way of talking or even the nature. For example, there are many mimic artists who almost look like a replica of the celebrity. This eventually leads to the identity loss. To conclude, the media brings out the true character of the famous person in front of the audience and ordinary people follow these media to get closer to their favourite celeb. In my opinion, this is wrong as the individual starts becoming someone else by blindly following their idols.
All of us have idols in someone. Normal person tries to mimic notable personalities either by reading magazines or watching TV as they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "idolise"
idolises
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'According'.
According me
, ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
Possible spelling mistake. 'worshipping' is British English.
worshipping
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and treat them like god which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
thing to do.

Print media or video entertainment such as the Televisions are the best mode through which one can learn about the stars. This is the most sought methods through which an individual gathers the information about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
they follow and copy.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entertainment programs over which paparazzi
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "catch".
catches
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
off camera to illustrate their true nature.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to follow them through these sorts of way.

In the quest to be like their mentors, normal person imitates the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities and in this process, they lose their original self. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
Possible spelling mistake. 'mesmerised' is British English.
mesmerised
by these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that they want their every attribute like them such as physical look or the way of talking or even the nature.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mimic artists who almost look like a replica of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
. This
eventually
leads to the identity loss.

To conclude
, the media brings out the true character of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
person in front of the audience and ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
follow these media to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
closer to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celeb. In my opinion, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
as the individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
becoming someone else by
blindly
following their idols.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV, why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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