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Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v.1

Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 1
Regular individuals commonly use media to copy different aspects of stars, since several of these artists have become role models to the population. Nevertheless, I believe this trend is negative to both media people and society. The first motivation to repeat other's habits is that famous people are role models to the ordinary population, thanks to their outstanding performances in the arts and sports, as a result, citizens feel encouraged to repeat their habits to achieve the same successful results. For example, many magazines publish athletes' diets trainnings when they have successful outcomes, which lead people to repeat. Secondly, the image of some artists are sold as perfect, which convince regular people to follow regular diets and exercising habits in order to have the perfect body. Unfortunately, a permanent idea of copying artists affects citizens' mental health, since it is common to feel frustared and a loser when failing to achieve similar results, therefore, it increases anxiety and depression rates among the population. For instance, studies have shown that 80% of adult women have tried and failed to follow models' diets, which made them frustrated and insatisfied with their bodies. Additionally, consumers tend to purchase more because of people on media, as they are regularly launching new fashions to be followed, as a consequence, buyers might negatively affect personal budgets with unnecessary products. To conclude, regular citizens repeat famous people's style and attitudes, because they aim to repeat the same goals. However, this is negative because not only do this behaviour affects their health, but also their finances.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Regular
individuals
commonly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
media to copy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of stars, since several of these artists have become role models to the population.
Nevertheless
, I believe this trend is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
to both media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society.

The
first
motivation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
repeat
other's habits is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are role models to the ordinary population, thanks to their outstanding performances in the arts and sports,
as a result
, citizens feel encouraged to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
repeat
their habits to achieve the same successful results.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
magazines publish athletes' diets
Possible spelling mistake found.
trainnings
when they have successful outcomes, which lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
repeat
.
Secondly
, the image of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
artists
are sold
as perfect, which convince
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
diets and exercising habits in order to have the perfect body.

Unfortunately, a permanent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of copying artists affects citizens' mental health, since it is common to feel
Possible spelling mistake found.
frustared
and a loser when failing to achieve similar results,
therefore
, it increases anxiety and depression rates among the population.
For instance
, studies have shown that 80% of adult women have tried and failed to follow models' diets, which made them frustrated and
Possible spelling mistake found.
insatisfied
with their bodies.
Additionally
, consumers tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on media, as they are
regularly
launching new fashions to
be followed
, as a consequence, buyers might
negatively
affect personal budgets with unnecessary products.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regular
citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
repeat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's style and attitudes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they aim to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
repeat
the same goals.
However
, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
affects their health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their finances.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay Ordinary people try to copy famous people either reading magazines or watching TV. Why do they do this? Do you think it is a good idea to copy famous people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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