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online games should be banned. do you agree or disagree?

online games should be banned. do you agree or disagree? J01pE
These past few decades have seen a boom of online games among adolescence worldwide. It is often claimed that playing computer games ought to be proscribed forthwith on the grounds that these games have no permanent value to them and have an adverse impact on their physical as well as mental development. Thus, gaming is also considered as a kind of social malady. Nevertheless, I am firmly of the opinion that it should be encouraged based on the following reasons. First and foremost, online games provide a player the much-needed relaxation. Nowadays, with a huge amount of work, people are always under tremendous pressure, therefore, online games is the most optimal choice for entertainment. Notwithstanding, the matter lies in how much time one spends on them. To clarify, wasting a surfeit of time in the virtual world to the detriment of other educational activities will be eschewed. It is true that abstemious usage may alleviate the tension that accumulate through work, society, …. Secondly, only by playing online games can a person ameliorate the brain in the long run. In addition, if a player wants to gain mastery of games, he need to harmoniously combine the dexterity of the hands with a nimble brain; gradually, he will progress spectacularly. Moreover, online games create an opportunity to improve the decision-making ability of users. From what I have presented above, it can be concluded that online games should not be completely prohibited in daily life in view of said arguments.
These past few decades have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a boom of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among adolescence worldwide. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
claimed that playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
ought to
be proscribed
forthwith on the grounds that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have no permanent value to them and have an adverse impact on their physical
as well
as mental development.
Thus
, gaming is
also
considered as a kind of social malady.
Nevertheless
, I am
firmly
of the opinion that it should
be encouraged
based on the following reasons.
First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
provide a player the much-needed relaxation. Nowadays, with a huge amount of work,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are always under tremendous pressure,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is the most optimal choice for entertainment. Notwithstanding, the matter lies in how much time one spends on them. To clarify, wasting a surfeit of time in the virtual world to the detriment of other educational activities will
be eschewed
. It is true that abstemious usage may alleviate the tension that accumulate through work, society, ….
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can a person ameliorate the brain in the long run.
In addition
, if a player wants to gain mastery of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, he need to
harmoniously
combine the dexterity of the hands with a nimble brain;
gradually
, he will progress
spectacularly
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
create an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the decision-making ability of users. From what I have presented above, it can
be concluded
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should not be completely prohibited in daily life in view of said arguments.
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IELTS essay online games should be banned. do you agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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