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One should have enough money to fulfill our basic needs and rest of the should be given to needy people. To what extent do u agree or disagree. v.1

One should have enough money to fulfill our basic needs and rest of the should be given to needy people. v. 1
The question of whether to start working straight after school or go for higher education is such a controversial topic today. Personally, I am in agreement with the latter view, although the other one also shows some obvious advantageous points. On the one hand, some people argue that students should start their own careers when they finish their studies at schools because of the following reasons. To begin with, this choice is believed to guarantee a promising career path for students, thanks to the real experiences and practical skills that they could not gain if they continue their studies. For instance, a person who has the opportunity to experience negotiating in a marketplace will be much more successful than students who only learn business theory. In addition, it is indisputable that paying tuition fees is an economic difficulty, especially for low-income families. Therefore, if a student gets a job, he could share the burden of family expenses. On the other hand, opponents of the aforementioned idea assert that students should have additional education because of the fact that they would have better career opportunities than people who do not have a higher academic background. This viewpoint is put forward because employers seem to be impressed by candidates who have a bachelor's degree or master’s degree. Moreover, although the theoretical lessons might not be completely accurate when they are applied in practice, students who are well-equipped with the knowledge will often have a better solution to deal with any problems in their work. Finally, if a student makes a decision to go for higher education, he could build strong relationships with professors and experts related to his chosen profession who would give him valuable support in the competitive job market. For the reasons mentioned above, I tend to agree that it is wiser for students to attend a college to pursue their dream jobs in the future, which should get support from family and society.
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
The question of whether
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working straight after school or go for higher education is such a controversial topic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Personally
, I am in agreement with the latter view, although the other one
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious advantageous points.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
careers when they finish their studies at schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, this choice
is believed
to guarantee a promising career path for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, thanks to the real experiences and practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that they could not gain if they continue their studies.
For instance
, a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has the opportunity to experience negotiating in a marketplace will be much more successful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
learn business theory.
In addition
, it is indisputable that paying tuition fees is an economic difficulty,
especially
for low-income families.
Therefore
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a job, he could share the burden of family expenses.

On the other hand
, opponents of the aforementioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have additional education
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
they would have better career opportunities than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not have a higher academic background. This viewpoint
is put
forward
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
employers seem to
be impressed
by candidates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have a bachelor's degree or master’s degree.
Moreover
, although the theoretical lessons might not be completely accurate when they
are applied
in practice,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are well-equipped with the knowledge will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
have a better solution to deal with any problems in their work.
Finally
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a decision to go for higher education, he could build strong relationships with professors and experts related to his chosen profession
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
would give him valuable support in the competitive job market.

For the reasons mentioned above, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is wiser for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to attend a college to pursue their dream jobs in the future, which should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
support from family and society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay One should have enough money to fulfill our basic needs and rest of the should be given to needy people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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