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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. awAOV
Medicine has significantly improved over the last decades. The advancement in medicine positively affected on the quality of people's lives and has provided society with many benefits. I assume that advanced medicine has enlightened human civilization, and so the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. Humanity is now fortunate to have developed medicine and modern technologies. One of the results of this development was an increase in the average age of mankind, and cures for deadly diseases, invention of antibiotics and vaccines. Many people opine that increasing life expectancy increases the percentage of the older population and decreases the active workforce. They assume supporting the elder generation is a major burden for the country. But these opinions are wrong and they are not backed by any facts. With increasing lifespan, people nowadays remain more active and contribute to society even in old age. As the government has raised the retirement age, older people are no longer a burden, but rather an active workforce. For instance, many professionals often start their own businesses after their retirement. Therefore, this contributes to the development of new additional workplaces. Additionally, as a positive effect of enhanced lifespan, people can spend additional time with their loved ones members and grandchildren. Working parents may leave their kids in safe hands when needed. These elder generation can discuss their expertise, which we may utilize to construct a safer and better world. Elderly politicians, leaders, writers, and writers have more to offer than their younger colleagues. In conclusion, improved lifespan profoundly benefits the family as well as society. We should respect and treat elder people properly. They are no longer a burden, but a part of society. Life is precious and the government should invest more money on medical care in any way possible.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medicine
has
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
over the last decades. The advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
positively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
on the quality of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and has provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits. I assume that advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
has enlightened human civilization, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the advantages outweigh the drawbacks.

Humanity is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
fortunate to have developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medicine
and modern technologies. One of the results of this development was an increase in the average age of mankind, and cures for deadly diseases, invention of antibiotics and vaccines.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that increasing life expectancy increases the percentage of the older population and decreases the active workforce. They assume supporting the elder generation is a major burden for the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
these opinions are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
wrong and
they are not backed by any facts. With increasing lifespan,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays remain more active and contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
even in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has raised the retirement age, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are no longer a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
an active workforce.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
businesses after their retirement.
Therefore
, this contributes to the development of new additional workplaces.

Additionally
, as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect of enhanced lifespan,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can spend additional time with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
members and grandchildren. Working parents may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their kids in safe hands when needed. These elder generation can discuss their expertise, which we may utilize to construct a safer and better world. Elderly politicians, leaders, writers, and writers have more to offer than their younger colleagues.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
lifespan
profoundly
benefits the family
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. We should respect and treat elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
properly
. They are no longer a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Life is precious and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest more money on medical care in any way possible.
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IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
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