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On the other hand, the top two group of people who loves to purchase pop albums came from age group of 25 to 34 and 16 to 24, which has roughly 30% rate of buyers. In addition, around 28% of pop music fans came from the 35 to 44 age group. And finally, those people in Britain with the age of 45 and above only has almost around 10% of

On the other hand, the top two group of people who loves to purchase pop albums came from age group of 25 to 34 and 16 to 24, which has roughly 30% rate of buyers. In addition, around 28% of pop music fans came from the 35 to 44 age group. And finally, those people in Britain with the age of 45 and above only has almost around 10% of jd8Da
On the other hand, the top two group of people who loves to purchase pop albums came from age group of 25 to 34 and 16 to 24, which has roughly 30% rate of buyers. In addition, around 28% of pop music fans came from the 35 to 44 age group. And finally, those people in Britain with the age of 45 and above only has almost around 10% of In today’s modern world, many students are going to university immediately after they finish school. However, the numbers of boys and girls studying in the universities are always not equal which leads to the assertion by the public that universities be going to receive the identical numbers of both genders in every course that they provide. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this claim. Admittedly, every country around the globe is trying to promote the equality between genders so as to ensure that both genders can access to the facilities or resources. In the past, in many countries, girls are less likely to have the opportunity to further their studies which caused mainly by the narrow-minded of the society. For example, in China, many parents who have daughters often ask their daughters to sacrifice their studies and start to work since they are young. It is owing to the reason that they think that their sons are always more talented and knowledgeable than their daughters. Thus, it is crucial for all the universities worldwide to accept the same numbers of male and female students in order to promote equality between the genders. Undeniably, everyone in the society can contribute to the nation regardless of gender. According to a recent study conducted in Columbia, the result has shown that girls have the same ability as the boys in terms of contribution to the country. It is further explained by a researcher that the female students are actually smarter than the male students based on their academic performances in universities. Hence, it is clearly shown that the girls should not be discriminated and therefore, be given the same chance as the boys to attend to university. In addition, there are some work fields which require more female employees than male workers due to the characteristics of more considerate and higher endurance. Thus the universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in the courses they provide. In conclusion, in order to promote the equality between genders and to allow every individual to contribute endlessly to the nation, it is necessary for all the universities to receive the same number of male and female students. I believe our nation will continue to prosper and flourish in the decades to come once the male and female are given the same chance to further their studies.
On the other hand
, the top two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'group' seems to be countable, so consider using: "groups".
group
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
pop albums came from age group of 25 to 34 and 16 to 24, which has roughly 30% rate of buyers.
In addition
, around 28% of pop music fans came from the 35 to 44 age group. And
finally
, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Britain with the age of 45 and above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has almost around 10% of In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
immediately after they finish school.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of boys and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
studying in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are always not equal which leads to the assertion by the public that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
be going to receive the identical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of both genders in every course that they provide. In my opinion, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this claim.

Admittedly
, every country around the globe is trying to promote the equality between genders
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
ensure that both genders can access to the facilities or resources. In the past, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
are less likely to have the opportunity to
further
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
which caused
mainly
by the narrow-minded of the society.
For example
, in China,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents who have daughters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
ask their daughters to sacrifice their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to work since they are young. It is owing to the reason that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their sons are always more talented and knowledgeable than their daughters.
Thus
, it is crucial for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
worldwide to accept the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in order to promote equality between the genders.

Undeniably
, everyone in the society can contribute to the nation regardless of gender. According to a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
conducted in Columbia, the result has shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
have the same ability as the boys in terms of contribution to the country. It is
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by a researcher that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are actually smarter than the male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
based on their academic performances in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
Hence
, it is
clearly
shown that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
should not
be discriminated
and
therefore
, be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same chance as the boys to attend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
In addition
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work fields which require more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees than male workers due to the characteristics of more considerate and higher endurance.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
should accept equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the courses they provide.

In conclusion
, in order to promote the equality between genders and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
every individual to contribute
endlessly
to the nation, it is necessary for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
to receive the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I believe our nation will continue to prosper and flourish in the decades to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
once the male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the same chance to
further
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
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IELTS essay On the other hand, the top two group of people who loves to purchase pop albums came from age group of 25 to 34 and 16 to 24, which has roughly 30% rate of buyers. In addition, around 28% of pop music fans came from the 35 to 44 age group. And finally, those people in Britain with the age of 45 and above only has almost around 10% of

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
464 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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