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Older people in our planet

Older people in our planet NrQlj
We need to start this essay by explaining the importance of older people in this world, which is quite limited. I believe that the older generations can only be used for their experience and wisdom. They are definitely an example to follow to a certain extent. Besides them being teachers, they do not have much of a purpose. Most of the older people habituating Earth are sadly only occupying space. We have a very extensive population, in other words, we are so overpopulated that we do not fit into our planet. By extending our lifespan, we are not letting the natural order of life and death take place, we are doing the unnatural. And in consequence, the only thing that humans contribute to Earth is destruction. Besides that, older people are considered an added weight to younger people, and that is pretty much the reason that we have asylums. We are not permitting older people to die in peace, and because of our selfishness, we are obligating them to live. Which stretching the term “live”, because what they are doing is not living, but surviving. They are being severely medicated and thoroughly examined. And perhaps they want to live, and we also want them to live because people that age are our parents, uncles, and grandparents, but at this point, we are holding onto the idea that we control life. An idea that is so repeated that we are actually believing it. Concluding, we shouldn’t play being nature and just let things go their own way.
We need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
this essay by explaining the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in this world, which is quite limited. I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generations can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for their experience and wisdom. They are definitely an example to follow to a certain extent.
Besides
them being teachers, they do not have much of a purpose.

Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
habituating Earth are
sadly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
occupying space. We have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
extensive population,
in other words
, we are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
overpopulated that we do not fit into our planet. By extending our lifespan, we are not letting the natural order of life and death take place, we are doing the unnatural. And in consequence, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that humans contribute to Earth is destruction.

Besides
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are considered
an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
weight to younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
that is
pretty much the reason that we have asylums. We are not permitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
in peace, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of our selfishness, we are obligating them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
. Which stretching the term “
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
”,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
what they are doing is not living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
surviving. They are being
severely
medicated and
thoroughly
examined. And perhaps they want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
, and we
also
want them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that age are our parents, uncles, and grandparents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at this point, we are holding onto the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that we control life. An
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
repeated that we
The verb 'believing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are actually believing
it.

Concluding, we shouldn’t play being nature and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
things go their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way.
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IELTS essay Older people in our planet

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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